What is the best way to distract your opponent in over the board chess?

Alone? No. It takes two people to play chess.

And she isn't as good as a GM.

It takes some money actually, for all the bookings.

Each time you move a piece, pick it up with one hand and put it down with the other hand.

Variation:  occasionally, at random intervals, move the piece normally.  Later, add a hesitation -- start to change hands, then move normally, or move it back and forth several times.

Caution:  Choosing the variations on this process may become so engrossing that you'll end up distracted enough to lose...but it may be  worth it!

I was going to say that. I'm sure that would distract me more than my opponent. I have to think more, all they have to do is roll their eyes. All during my time too.

Sounds like you're one of those chess players who "likes to win."  I've heard of people like that.  If I were that kind of player, I'll bet my rating would be higher ... ;-)

Prove it.

Likes to win? What is this nonesense? Drawing is clearly where it's at 

Thanks for your comments on my distraction proposal.

I agree that drawing is where it's at, and am a bit disappointed by my poor record in that area.

As for "proving" that my lukewarm interest in "winning" conceals my truly remarkable latent talents as a chess player, well, I would prove it, absolutely, if it didn't require "effort." 

and I'm gay apparently

half the world's population is like this guys how do you even function in public spaces

I've never been able to figure it out either -- how do they manage?  Actually, I give all of them points whenever they're able to concentrate on something else for more than a minute or two -- seriously -- I respect them!

it only works if they're good looking

Smoke an exploding cigar.

Bring in some pics of hot babes like Stuzzidecadented and get a massive boner. that will distract one or two people.

Real chess players don't get distracted by women (hot or cold)... 

the men in this world are messed up.

I wasn't kidding about my respect for male self-discipline.  Given normal male hormonal development, it's got to take a lot for most teenage boys to maintain consistently appropriate (respectful and empathic) behavior with girls -- but the vast majority of teenage boys manage it ... and some are even able to concentrate in school well enough to pass trigonometry!