Free Romance Course

I find that the average user on Chess.com is a bloated 45-year-old still living with his parents and can't fold towels. Out of deep kindness (and pity) I have taken it upon myself to give all you all a FREE* romance course.  You will learn, in this extensive and extremely factual yeah, right module how to

• Talk to girls - asking what their sign is politely.
• Be kind - This may involve not trowing a tantrum when she wins a game.
• Not sacrifice your queen - Don't push her off the edge of the grand canyon.  And finally...
• Be a stud muffin - This is what all women want but they won't tell you. You know when you do 5 (!!) crunches or pushups in a row and are extremely sweaty and smell really bad and then you flex in such a way as to make you look like a greasy monkey- well turns out girls find that REALLY ATRACTIVE! Keep on doing that! (But it's a secret, so don't tell )
• (Reserved in case I think of something else)

This course will be taught using the chess . com forum system, in which, on a very tight schedule, I will periodically post in this topic until the course is over. Everyone is free to suggest their own ideas of how to proceed with romance, but they must not cry when I refute their ideas. 

You may be saying all sorts of crazy babble like saying "Better to be a 1900-rated virgin than a 1500-rated virgin" - to you I say in a heartfelt manner, shut up. And I bet you can't even recite pi to the 15th digit - so there!

Besides, this is not the forum to discuss how much opening and endgame knowledge you know. This is the forum to put aside your pride and think of how much opening and endgame knowledge I know.

Also, if there are any women taking this course, don't leave! I have some great romantic tips for you! For one, I'm avalible! And if that doesn't thrill your heart, fine. Go back to your miserable pathetic life. I bet you can't even write a Rainbow Pony X Whoever Pony ship-fic HALF as well as I can. 

Take this course! George W. of Washington D.C. took this course and got married to 

Meanwhile, Mrs. Hitler DID NOT (!) take this course and got stuck with this guy:

(The pope, as far as I know, also did not take this course)

So take this course!  You will be one hot rugged stuff muffin machine  by the time it's all over. Also, it's free . That means that you don't lose money.

LESSON ONE - HOW TO TALK TO GIRLS

So I see that no one has posted in this thread yet. That is a bad thing because it means that you are content to be baboons playing random chess moves on the computer and are not concerned about saving the near-extinct human race. 

The problem with chess is that it has taught all you baboons to not be chivalrous. So often, we see you sacrificing your queen instead of protecting the poor lady.

Instead of being noble:

So how can you turn into a brave knight in shining armor? Well, you can't. But you can make your girl think that you are a decent person with smooth talk:

You: Hi there baby what's your sign chickachickachicka.

Girl: You are the most romantic hunk I've seen in a long time. You have demonstrated that you are capable of being a good, caring father and a hard working husband. Let's talk about Downton Abbey and my favorite anime.

Try to avoid talking about chess (unless the girl likes chess, then get a different girl)

You: Hey girl you know in the Nimzo when black plays 11...Re8? Well, I actually think this move is premature because... Hello?

Girl: (runs away)

The good news is that your competition isn't that good:

Another guy: Hey girl let me tell you when the Red Socks were at 5 - 4 in 1984 and runners on the side and third down and then they took the ball and SLAM DUNK so they won the Superbowl for that year which proves that they're the best ever.

Girl: Umm... 

You forgot Mark

add Logan to this list XD and phoey

and me!

haha I think you're a tad too young for now lol

You said you're good at keeping internet secrets!

14 yr olds shouldn't be falling yet they've got too much to do!

good comeback...

I may have but you young man should not fall towards that path *shakes head* very bad....aigooo..... go focus on calculus

ooooooook..........

if you're righteous and concerned for her you won't unless she is the buttwipe which I doubt