I think the problem, {well Not 'problem' with necessarily, a 'capital' 'P'}.. Is that, in an analogy sense, 'Tom'; You found yourself, in the more rigorous, British 'special, {commando}, forces'.. when you intended-to-be, a 'less demanding' requiring.. regular 'army-chap'!
Anotherwords.. Philosophically, justifying, that Life, is a total, {or nearly so}, 'illusion'.. And, acting as if, there's No 'righteous-and-just' Supreme Force, that embodies that.. Requires, considerably More mental & psychological, 'tricks' requiring, a self- deception.. Just as, if you were hypothetically a member, of the military 'Special Forces'..{of course, other than being, Too Old' for that now}.. It might occur to you, that you found yourself doing things, {Ie, 'taxing' activity}, that you didn't 'bargain' for!
I'll leave you, with that analogy thought comparison..{if somewhat 'strained'}.. And, the following one-hour-plus, link - "Was {believer}, 'Emanuel Swedenborg', Crazy"!?
Consider it, like having a school 'reading assignment' that doesn't represent, what you'd Most rather, be doing - Yet, by 'reading'/ listening to it, with an 'Open mind' No less.. You just might come, to a Deeper understanding, of your distracting 'ocd' - that, for presently unknown-to-yourself, reasons.. Is Not, satisfying your half-inquisitive, mind - Much less, finding signifigant 'inner peace'.. Regarding, where you {presently}, find yourself! .. Sincerely .. {as always}..
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K_ZP30NFYf8
I'd prefer though people post links rather than copy and paste as it's enjoyable to engage the actual writers and to be to follow the conversations.
There is no topic. Life encompasses everything. So just be you and talk about anything and everything you like.
I hope you'll find me a convivial host.
Thank you!