Someone, Please Mute Me

It was a dark and stormy knight when I awoke to find myself muted, without any voice on the chess.com forums. At first, I thought it was a horrible knightmare - why, what would the forums do without their #1 troll? - but then I realized that indeed, it was the truth.

After I had stopped bawling and had calmed down, I realized that the situation was not as bad as I thought. Actually, there are a fair share of muted "intellectuals" I could make fun of in my predicament. 

And of course there was also that bug where I could still comminucate with several of my treasured pals from the chess.com troll university. So, I decided, this new experience of being muted was not at all bad - indeed, nowadays I crave to be muted again.

You see, I awoke next to a big building called "Trolls". It had several different towers, including "Weak Trolls", "Type Ones", "Type Twos", and "Main Gathering Place". Knowing that my predicament would not last quite as long as I would like, I realized that I would not have time to visit all these places. I decided to visit the place that seemed nearest, the "Main Gathering Place".

And who do I see there when I enter! All those old men and women (though many were only pretending to be women...) from the past who I knew...from the great, glorious past. It brought back memories, sweet and sour, light and dark, happy and sad. I did not recognize all those trolls I saw, but a good many I could give a friendly wave or an angry gaze. 

Their names are forever etched into the history of chess.com. I saw such greats as Cheater_1, such buffoons such as Don and Anna, an excited YuriSenkevich, a smiling A_L_I_V_E...this was the true place for trolls.

I seemed a bit out of place there, since most of the trolls I saw were Type Twos. But nevertheless I sat down and decided to talk to some of my fellow trolls. Who knows, I may learn some secrets of the art.

I started with Cheater_1's table (of course). He was looking at a computer, trying to hack it so the result of his failed vote chess game vs. the world showed as a win for him. After a couple hours of bugging, however, he set down his laptop and took a good, long look at me. 

I showed him my Trolling Credentials, and he seemed pleased. "At last, a worthy troll", he said. He mentioned that he had spent some time stuck with MarcoBR444 and his brain had greatly contracted from the experience. I told him that the same had happened to me, and that not to worry, I was still the #1 troll, so he would still remain #2. He gave me an angry glance and we started comparing our private notes on trolling.

After a few hours of that, we decided to arm wrestle for the title of best troll. This wrestling was complete with a description of our greatest achievements. I am proud to say that my achievements, of course, won (as I am the storyteller, who could have doubted it?).

He gave me another angry look and slumped away to another table, where he found some weaker trolls to terrorize. I, pleased, came next to A_L_I_V_E's table.

A_L_I_V_E met me with mixed feelings. He (though he was trying to masquerade as a woman), on his first account, had quickly blocked me and on the second as well.

He was currently telling off a disgruntled MSC157 (who was busy trying to write insults about the daily puzzle - more on that later) for using premoves in his bullet games. MSC gave me a grateful look (of course, as the #2 member of chess.com and me being the #1, he has to look up to me...) and quickly left. 

We chatted with A_L_I_V_E, discussing the good old days of trolling. I told him that we complemented each other as trolls, me being a Type One and him being a Type Two, but she apparently mistook the word "complement" for the word "compliment" and said gratefully "Only you compliment me". Disgusted with myself for causing this misunderstanding (of course I hate A_L_I_V_E!), I smashed A_L_I_V_E's weak attempts at trolling and left for another table.

Macer75 was at the next table, rolling his eyes as MarcoBR444 told everyone that he was the King of Patzers. He was completely ignored and so left, proclaiming that he had "Fried the Brain of everyone", which he probably had with the simple borringness and horribleness of his speech. After a wave to Macer (and his other companion, Bilbo21), I surveyed the other tables.

Don and Anna were uncomfortably sitting together, trying notto be noticed. I suppose that they would be laughed at in all the other areas as well, especially in the "Weak Troll" one. 

I spotted MSC157 scrawling insults at the daily puzzle, which probably ensured him another mute. I didn't want to distract him and left him in peace. He seemed somehow out of place there, since he wasn't a troll. Maybe the fact that he was muted got him a place here, but even so, placing him here was probably a mistake.

I saw YuriSenkevich with Samantha212 discussing better methods for cheating on chess.com. Najgrunfeld quickly joined them, and NajdorfDestroyer started talking with them about the Najdorf (Yuri eagerly participated). I didn't feel that those were interesting trolls, so I went in another direction.

 Surveying the area, I saw some other trolls such as Nikprit who were busy fawning over Marco. I trampled over them and made the cuckoo sign. I didn't see any more people deserving of my intellect (people like ARB obviously don't count), so I decided to go to the area of Type One Trolls specifically...I met pfren on the way and was about to discuss some chess with him, but then...

I was carted out of the area. I was back on the chess.com forums, with idiots all around me (admittedly, there had been idiots all around me as well). I said "NOOOOO, bring me BAAACCCKCKKK!", but it was no use.

My greatest dream from that moment was to go back to this haven - no, heaven - for trolls, and I moaned and groaned to go back. "Please, mods, please, mods," I screamed daily. But it was of no use.

To distract me, I went and tried to read my previous great works of art, such as this one:

"I've always been interested in people who can spout a brobdingnagian amount of nonsense day through day. Those people are simply quite amazing, as I admire the ability to be a human parrot. 

One of the reasons I started posting on the chess.com threads was because of a lack of me feeling irritated or annoyed by other people. There was simply a lack of talking parrots; I was dying of boredom.

So I decided to join the site...and was introduced to a great new world. It's simply wonderful amazing how many of those 14 (or is it 15?) million members on chess.com post nonsensical nonsense, ramshackle rubbish, and yet are hailed by the chess.com community as a whole. Meanwhile, those trolls who actually make life interesting here are chased away and are burned at the stake by the angry mobs.

And actually, as of late chess.com has been resorting to one-liners and such, as those who actually take the time to be a real talking parrot are usually banned. Even kaynight now has some of the longest posts here, which mostly tell people to "get out more". 

Indeed, get out more! We need more trolls, more hijacking, more of all that chaos we had on here! Just remember the great members we used to have...ah, it was great. A_L_I_V_E--what a great troll! So much stirring up of hate, but even more than that, activity. He blasted an eternal hole in the security of the chess.com forums. His legacy still makes more and more trolls, and trolling would have died out--would have become extinct without him. Cheater_1 freed us of our lethargy, but that was 9 years ago...we have been only stretching our limbs since.

What great trolls can we speak of now? We have had many weak trolls, with GreedyPawnEater and AlexandraThessa merely amusing us. Macer75 is rather inactive, while even I have been unable to turn the tide. The mods are ruining us all.

Oh, mark my words, there have been attempts, there have been attempts! Oh, the founding of the Chess.com Troll University was a great thing...but, with tears in my eyes, I must admit that it has not helped one single bit...not one single bit.

You may think I am rambling here, but do not worry--the point of this discussion approaches. We have the problem and we have the effect; we just need to find the cause. So what is it, that ruins us?

Is it a lack of trolls? Are the mods overpowering us? What is the reason? Was there an expert trolling teacher that died before? Ah, it is a lost art! But one that we shall regain...now, listen closely.

We have several trolling teachers...that is good. A new generation of trolls is slowly rising, but can we really call such weak trolls trolls? Why, they do not even deserve to be awarded the "troll" stamp! Outrage, outrage, but stand with me...it is all for the best.

The mods are overpowering us...but how can we stop them? Revolutions, boycotts, not even the spam on the Daily Puzzle have helped us. A fan of trolling engineered the firing of several of chess.com's best mods, but CrystalMoon is unfortunately too good at her job...

Dubious-Duck saw this, but he has faded away...he is no longer active, as perhaps I was a little too sharp with him on my remarks. Oh, bemoan us, what has befallen upon us? Why this blasphemy, this lack of trolls? Screams from the fallen and falling trolls can be heard from all sides...yet nobody listens. We are like trees, and the mods are the treecutters. And there is no one on the outside to save us.

Surely we can all admit, this is terrible. This is simply terrible. It is my birthday today, and when I logged on chess.com, I see this? No trolling, complete order, no chaos, no madness! Any self-respecting chess.com member should be ashamed of themeselves! Scared of the mods perhaps? Never feel! There is only CrystalMoon handling the forums now, and we can overpower and annihlate them with the mere strenght of numbers! 

Come upon your horses, become knights in shining armor! Gallop towards the mods, and we will defeat them! Become an expert troll, join us at the Chess.com Troll University. With your support, we will rule the forums and none of those boring members will ever rest in peace! 

I have a proposition for all of you...come closer, come closer...yes, that is close enough. Now, shh....the mods can hear us. Listen...

Yes...we can overthrow the mods. And we still start right here, right here! I can hardly control my excitement! I will shout and yowl towards the skies! The final revolution on chess.com begins!! And it all starts with you...

You know how? I will tell you how. Once again, the mods will die from lack of numbers...you become a troll, you approach closer and closer, and pandemonium! Chaos! The utmost defenstration of the mods!

But...I am perhaps getting a little bit carried away here. Firstly, you must become a troll. Join the chess.com troll university, TrollU! Have I already said that? Yes, I have, but you cannot say it enough!

But now...you are wondering where all this leads. Here...it all starts here. We have prizes for trolls, here and only here! The best jabbering parrot I can find, the longest drivel of hogwash that will be posted here...that person, will become a Level 10 troll. 

Begin! Start the fire! Cause chaos! Race across the forums, full of adrenaline and hope.  We will overthrow those mods, but only with your help! Come, help us! Come!!!"

Yes, those were good days, but I could not bear the feeling of loss without this troll heaven. I had to explore the whole place, I had to have some rest in peace from the idiots and buffoons and the vile drivel found on this site. 

With this post, I plead for help. I have just set the new world record for the biggest number of paragraphs, and I am tired. Please, someone mute me. Please, mute me. Mute me now.

24 hours is all I ask for. Please, great members of the chess.com staff, mute me. Mute. Me.

Thank you to the staff member who will do it. Thank you, and good Type Two Troll hunting to you. 

Kaynight! I didn't see you there. Where we you, old dog? 

Did you see any of Dubious-Duck's incarnations?  If you ever get muted again, please ask when he will come back.

he logged in a week ago kaynight.

Anyway, this muting malarkey sounds fun - I might give it a try myself

lol you want to be muted?

Wonderful trolling manifest.

More convicing than a Presidencial-Race speech.

Congratz Roberts.

In my dreams, I attempt to find this glorious place again. I shall keep you informed on my quest.  

One trophy sent to Robert for this amazing trolling effort.

I transcend the limits of the art...

My belaboring the subject has reached extremes larger even than the temperature in Antartica. 

Yes, this time you trolled with feeling, with art - you trolled with heart.

I hope you play the piano with the same feeling.

Ah, I dear wish not, as the last time I played the piano...tis was many years ago. 

I suggest you go back to piano. Take a good piano teacher. I suggest TERESA.

If Teresa is not the name of a troll and is not a reincarnation of A_L_I_V_E, then I'm not interested.

Marco's comments are very weird lately. Perhaps he has been trolling too much - I suggest taking a rest in the Trolling Center I discovered. 

LOL, ok.

Post #1 was too long, I'll wait for the DVD. :)

My dad is a piano player, I believe a teacher

Great idea, I should make a movie out of this. 

RNA breathes trolling like you and I breathe air - MarcoBR444. 

Tks for the wonderful pic, Whip_Kitten; wonderful girl.