The Zen/Joke Game

Rules: Just post random quotes, jokes, zen, and hilarious things.

I'll begin:

The Zen Master is visiting New York City from Tibet. He goes up to a hotdog vendor and says, "Make me one with everything."

The hot dog vendor fixes a hot dog and hands it to the Zen Master, who pays with a $20 bill.

The vendor puts the bill in the cash box and closes it. "Where's my change?" asks the Zen Master.

The vendor responds, "Change must come from within."

The point of this topic is so that people can learn new jokes and zen quotes that they can say to their friends or family or just random people you meet on the street. 

A women is in a burning building with her little baby.The fire man says jump down she says "I cant I have my baby with me". The fireman told her "Throw your baby down I'll catch him". "No.", she replied, the police man says the same thing again she says no now a football player comes says the same thing she says no and then he said ma'am i have never not caught a ball in my whole career i promise ill catch your baby so she throws it and he catches it, Slams the baby to the ground and Yells' touchdown!!"

What’s the difference between a socialist and an anarchist?

A job.

An infinite crowd of mathematicians enters a bar. 
The first one orders a pint, the second one a half pint, the third one a quarter pint... 
"I understand", says the bartender - and pours two pints.

Teacher: "Who can tell me what 7 times 6 is?" 
Student: "It's 42!" 
Teacher: "Very good! - And who can tell me what 6 times 7 is?" 
Same student: "It's 24!"

Q: Why are quantum physicists so poor at sex?
A: Because when they find the position, they can't find the momentum, and when they have the momentum, they can't find the position. 

Q: Which right-hand rule do students use on bad physics professors?
A: Step 1: Extend your right arm forward from the elbow. Step 2: Keeping your palm facing to the left, stick out your middle finger. Step 3: Rotate your hand 90 degrees clockwise. 

Phone someone in the office you barely know, leave your name and say "Just called to say I can't talk right now. Bye."

Office Games Jokes:

Here's a way to spice up your office. Pick two or three colleagues and agree to play the Office Game which awards points as follows: 

ONE POINT

Run one lap around the office at top speed. Walk sideways to the photocopier.

Find the vacuum and start vacuuming around your desk.

When they're not looking, pour most of someone's fresh cup of coffee into your mug leaving them with an inch of brew.

Ignore the first five people who say 'good morning' to you.

Phone someone in the office you barely know, leave your name and say "Just called to say I can't talk right now. Bye."

To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears and grimace.

While riding an elevator, gasp dramatically every time the doors open. 

THREE-POINTS

Babble incoherently at a fellow employee then ask "Did you get all that, I don't want to have to repeat it." - Double points if you do this to a manager.

Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle.

Shout random numbers while someone is counting.

FIVE POINTS

At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice to conclude with the singing of the national anthem (extra points if you actually launch into it yourself).

Walk into a very busy person's office and while they watch you with growing irritation, turn the light switch on/off 10 times.

For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as 'Bob'.

Announce to everyone in a meeting that you "really have to go do number two".

After every sentence, say 'mon' in a really bad Jamaican accent. As in, "the report's on your desk, mon". Keep this up for one hour.

While an office mate is out, move their chair into the elevator.

In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and mutter, "Shut up, all of you just shut up!"

In a colleague's diary, write in 10 am: "See how I look in tights".

Carry your laptop over to your colleague and ask "You wanna trade?"

Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now"

Come to work in army fatigues and when asked why, say, "I can't talk about it"

Speak with an accent (French, German, Porky Pig, etc.) during a very important conference call.

Tuck one pant leg into your sock and when queried, answer, "not now" and walk away. 

Now, I read each nad everyone one of those office games and I know some of you had to laugh at them. they are FUNNY!

A blind man walks into a store with his seeing eye dog. All of a sudden, he picks up the leash and begins swinging the dog over his head. The manager runs up to the man and asks, "What are you doing?!!" The blind man replies, "Just looking around."

Pretty funny.

"Do not speak - unless it improves on silence." -Buddhsit saying.

"You will not be punished for your anger; you will be punished by your anger." -Buddha

"A wise man makes his own decisions, an ignorant man follows the public opinion." -Japanese Proverb.

In America you find Waldo.

In America You Learn Book, In Soviet Russian Book Learn You!

"So I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov - Problem was, we had a checkered tablecloth and it took him two hours to pass the salt!" 

Proverbs 31:6 (New International Version)
“As a dog returns to its vomit, so a fool repeats his folly.”