5 stars!!! That's hilarious.
Your daily funny: Mitch Hedberg
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haha! That's great. Thanks for the laugh. I needed it.
ROTFL!! You were right, Rael. We all needed that!
haha... my favorite was the wino eating grapes, and fork lift lifting forks. bah hahaha.
Funny funny man. Too bad he died so young.
it's 8 am. I am having capucciono and some good laughing at my desk. Thank you, hahaha....
Those quotes are pretty funny...but when I watched him on youtube, he seemed a little awkward. Still I wouldn't mind watching him, I just expected something totally different from reading this.
I assume you also like Steven Wright? I love that guy.
Mitch Hedberg was amazing! Easily one of my all time favorite comics...I had the pleasure of seeing him perform just a few short months before he passed away - what a talent...
((((RIP Mitch))))
Rael wrote:
Okay, so Mitch is one of my favorite comics. I was going to use these quotes for a post in the Poets and Writers group about comedy writing, but I feel that everyone could use a little Mr. Hedberg today, so I collected some choice quotes. He's a master of the pithy, almost aphoristic, nonsense humor. Check him out, oh, and look him up on youtube to better understand his style - a lot is in the delivery. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ MITCH HEDBERG... Alcoholism is a disease, but it's the only disease you can get yelled at for having.
You know, I'm sick of following my dreams, man. I'm just going to ask where they're going and hook up with 'em later. I've never been to a hotel with a rotating restaurant on top, but one time I took my girlfriend to a merry-go-round, and I gave her a burrito. You know when you see an advertisement for a casino, and they have a picture of a guy winning money? That's false advertising, because that happens the least. That's like if you're advertising a hamburger, they could show a guy choking. "This is what happened once." If I'm out to dinner with a group of friends, and somebody offers to pay for the check, I immediately reach for my wallet. Inside is a note that says, "Say thanks!" I did a radio interview; the DJ's first question was "Who are you?" I had to think. Is this guy really deep, or did I drive to the wrong station? I like when they say a movie is inspired by a true story. That's kind of silly. "Hey, Mitch, did you hear that story about that lady who drove her car into the lake with her kids and they all drowned?" "Yeah, I did, and you know what - that inspires me to write a movie about a gorilla!" I saw a seagull hanging out by a lake, but I said, "Don't worry, Dude. I won't say anything." I was walking down the street with a friend, and he said, "I hear music." As if there was any other way you can take it in. That's how I receive it too. You're not special. I sometimes close my eyes during a show because I have drawn a picture of an audience enjoying the show more on the back of my eyelids. I was at a restaurant, and I ordered a chicken sandwich, but I don't think the waitress understood me. She asked me, "How would you like your eggs?" I thought I would answer her anyway and said, "Incubated! And then raised, plucked, beheaded, cut up, put onto a grill, and then put onto a bun. Damn! I don't have that much time! Scrambled!" I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that. A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer. I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I said, "Dude, you have to wait." An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You would never see an "Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order" sign, just "Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience." I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughnut. I don't need a receipt for the doughnut. I give you money and you give me the doughnut, end of transaction. We don't need to bring ink and paper into this. I can't imagine a scenario that I would have to prove that I bought a doughnut. To some skeptical friend, "Don't even act like I didn't buy a doughnut, I've got the documentation right here. Oh, wait. It's in my file at home, under 'D'". I have a king sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable. "Oh, you're a king, you say? Well, you won't believe what I have in store for you." I wanna hang a map of the world at my house. Then I wanna stick pins in the locations that I've traveled to. But first I have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won't fall down. I have no problem not listening to the Temptations. I had a job interview with an insurance company, and the lady said, "Where do you see yourself in five years?" I said, "Celebrating the fifth year anniversary of you asking me that question." I have an oscillating fan at my house. It goes back and forth. It looks like the fan is saying "no." So I like to ask it questions that a fan would say "no" to! Do you keep my hair in place? Do you keep my documents in order? Do you have 3 settings? LIAR! My fan lied to me. Now I will pull the pin up. Now you're not saying ANYTHING! I'd like to see a forklift lift a crate of forks. It would be so literal!
Magicians disappear all the time, but as soon as a regular person does it, everyone is all scared. "Tom's gone!" "Is he a magician?" "No." "Then let's print up some flyers!"
did you get that from the internet or did you type it
mitch hedberg is indeed the man. i only have a cd of one of his performances, and i've been listening to it for three years now, and it still puts me and my friends in stitches.
That was funny
Okay, so Mitch is one of my favorite comics. I was going to use these quotes for a post in the Poets and Writers group about comedy writing, but I feel that everyone could use a little Mr. Hedberg today, so I collected some choice quotes. He's a master of the pithy, almost aphoristic, nonsense humor. Check him out, oh, and look him up on youtube to better understand his style - a lot is in the delivery.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
MITCH HEDBERG...
Alcoholism is a disease, but it's the only disease you can get yelled at for having.
You know, I'm sick of following my dreams, man. I'm just going to ask where they're going and hook up with 'em later.
Magicians disappear all the time, but as soon as a regular person does it, everyone is all scared. "Tom's gone!" "Is he a magician?" "No." "Then let's print up some flyers!"
I've never been to a hotel with a rotating restaurant on top, but one time I took my girlfriend to a merry-go-round, and I gave her a burrito.
You know when you see an advertisement for a casino, and they have a picture of a guy winning money? That's false advertising, because that happens the least. That's like if you're advertising a hamburger, they could show a guy choking. "This is what happened once."
If I'm out to dinner with a group of friends, and somebody offers to pay for the check, I immediately reach for my wallet. Inside is a note that says, "Say thanks!"
I did a radio interview; the DJ's first question was "Who are you?" I had to think. Is this guy really deep, or did I drive to the wrong station?
I like when they say a movie is inspired by a true story. That's kind of silly. "Hey, Mitch, did you hear that story about that lady who drove her car into the lake with her kids and they all drowned?" "Yeah, I did, and you know what - that inspires me to write a movie about a gorilla!"
I saw a seagull hanging out by a lake, but I said, "Don't worry, Dude. I won't say anything."
I was walking down the street with a friend, and he said, "I hear music." As if there was any other way you can take it in. That's how I receive it too. You're not special.
I sometimes close my eyes during a show because I have drawn a picture of an audience enjoying the show more on the back of my eyelids.
I was at a restaurant, and I ordered a chicken sandwich, but I don't think the waitress understood me. She asked me, "How would you like your eggs?" I thought I would answer her anyway and said, "Incubated! And then raised, plucked, beheaded, cut up, put onto a grill, and then put onto a bun. Damn! I don't have that much time! Scrambled!"
I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I said, "Dude, you have to wait."
An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You would never see an "Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order" sign, just "Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience."
I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughnut. I don't need a receipt for the doughnut. I give you money and you give me the doughnut, end of transaction. We don't need to bring ink and paper into this. I can't imagine a scenario that I would have to prove that I bought a doughnut. To some skeptical friend, "Don't even act like I didn't buy a doughnut, I've got the documentation right here. Oh, wait. It's in my file at home, under 'D'".
I have a king sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable. "Oh, you're a king, you say? Well, you won't believe what I have in store for you."
I wanna hang a map of the world at my house. Then I wanna stick pins in the locations that I've traveled to. But first I have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won't fall down.
I have no problem not listening to the Temptations.
I had a job interview with an insurance company, and the lady said, "Where do you see yourself in five years?" I said, "Celebrating the fifth year anniversary of you asking me that question."
I have an oscillating fan at my house. It goes back and forth. It looks like the fan is saying "no." So I like to ask it questions that a fan would say "no" to! Do you keep my hair in place? Do you keep my documents in order? Do you have 3 settings? LIAR! My fan lied to me. Now I will pull the pin up. Now you're not saying ANYTHING!
I'd like to see a forklift lift a crate of forks. It would be so literal!