Blitz 1300? The Return of I-I_I-I!
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Blitz 1300? The Return of I-I_I-I!

xiongyunuo
xiongyunuo
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Welcome! Ladies and Gentlemen! Boys and Girls! Humans and Aliens! Patzers and Masters! RARers and non-RARers! I-I_I-I and non-I-I_I-Is! May X introduce you to the return of our deer evil fiend @I-I_I-I!!!

The return of I-I_I-I

"So who is this I-I_I-I?" is a question that must have come to your mind at this point, whether you know @I-I_I-I or not, whether you are @I-I_I-I himself or not (since nobody knows @I-I_I-I). So if you come here to learn who this @I-I_I-I is, you have come to the right place (even if you don't, you still come to the right place). So now, let the mighty X, from the viewpoint of a perfectly impartial writer, tell you about the legends of @I-I_I-I...

(Note: To make this blog makes more sense to you (when it apparently does not), it's worth noting that in this and all my blogs, "I", "X" and "He" (when referring to "X", not the element "He" or "I-I_I-I") all refer to the same person, the writer himself. I have chosen to write it in this nonsensical way for technical reasons (no reasons) and X will continue to do that in all his blogs)
(Another note: In the following, X will omit @ and write @I-I_I-I simply as I-I_I-I (though he may forget to do that))

The story goes on... In 2019 July 11th, around 11:11 A.M., I-I_I-I, somewhere on earth, logged off chess.com and started to think about something... He always thinks about some nonsense before the time for lunch (since thinking about nothing consumes him the least energy and he is way too lazy to do anything else). Usually he will be thinking about something silly and stupid, something like how to get revenge on X for bullying him everywhere over the internet (and I am sure he is thinking about that right now since X has been bullying him everywhere since then), and other stuffs equally silly if not sillier (how to find bugs for the poor @spacebar; how @spacebar will finally be kind enough to notice him and promote him from pawn to another pawn; how to get better and beat X in chess (which will never happen); how his life has always been unfortunate and hopeless and etc). But on that day, I-I_I-I was thinking about something really serious...
He was thinking about change: he is tired of the meaningless way he has been spending his meaningless life and he wants to change, he wants to... escape! Yes! Why not escape? When you want to change and everything was against you, you need to escape!
After I-I_I-I's poor brain figured this straightforward fact out, one whole hour had passed and it's time for lunch. On his way to lunch, I-I_I-I was very joyful and happy, he thought he has figured out the ultimate secrets of life and he would be on his way to a completely new and successful life, even though he hadn't really figured out how to escape in the first place (and that's the first step to end his unfortunate life). While I-I_I-I is still on his way to lunch, singing and jumping in joy, it's worth pointing out exactly where on earth @I-I_I-I was:

I-I_I-I's lair

(For those of you who don't know Chinese, the location in this map reads "Hefei No.1 Prison")

Hmm no wonder I-I_I-I wishes to change (or escape), though it's still a bit surprising that it took him so long to realize it. Anyway I-I_I-I was now in dining hall, still singing (I I I-I_I-I feels something so wrong, doing the right thing...). Once he entered dining hall, he noticed something unusual (actually it's not unusual at all, he just never notice it before): some of his fellows were in a corner quietly discussing something. I-I_I-I was interested, so after he took his dog food he went to that corner to join in the discussion.
He immediately learned that he is not the only person on earth who wants to change: those fellows in the corner are just like him. I-I_I-I was pleased, he immediately introduced himself and told them that he just discovered life is all about escape, he told them all the nonsensical philosophy he made up in the past one hour and to everyone's surprise, they believed him! They made him the deer leader and listened to his every word and plan about escaping, even though I-I_I-I had no plan in his mind.
Anyway, this was the first time in I-I_I-I's life when he has tasted the joy of becoming a leader. So he ordered them to do all the nonsensical things he can think of for him (digging holes, making bombs, kidnaping other prisoners and etc, of course none of these stuffs helped) and made up all the crazy plans to "change" (or simply escape) when all he had in his mind was to wait for some "opportunity". And then, the opportunity came for him: one night the rather cautious guy finally forgot to lock the door so I-I_I-I and his followers can finally escape. However I-I_I-I is rather cautious himself so he decided to minimize the chances he gets caught by bringing only one follower with him and tell the others to "wait until 1 A.M.", they thought I-I_I-I is such a great deer leader that they agreed.
So I-I_I-I was on his way to a new life... Fortunately for him, there was a port near his prison so it didn't take him long to get to there and find a plan to escape. Arriving at the port, I-I_I-I saw two ships: one small and the other one huge. Well I-I_I-I is honest and innocent (and dumb) 99% of the time, but in the remaining 1% time, when critical moments strike, he is an evil, vicious... fiend. And that critical moment clearly belongs to this 1% of time, so I-I_I-I said to his one loyal follower, "You see there are two ships, and they are clearly going to the same place, so I will take the large one since it's more challenging to do that, while you take the smaller one. We will meet up at wherever they take us to be. Fair enough?", actually I-I_I-I was just afraid his follower might betray him so he decided to get rid of them before it's too late, and yes, he had completely no idea where those ships are going to. But his follower didn't think too much and agreed happily.
I-I_I-I, proud of what he managed to do, ran to the huge ship singing again (I I I-I_I-I feels something so right, doing the wrong thing). Since it's midnight and almost nobody was there, he got to the ship easily and hid himself in one of the deprecated cabinet near the bottom of the ship and started to fancy about his new life...
In the morning, the ship left the port, going to... "Where?", I-I_I-I thought to himself, but didn't dare to find it out, in case someone discovers him (and throws him into the sea to feed sharks (oh wait this is not a pirate ship)). He just hoped that the ship won't take him to somewhere as toxic as Antarctic but the truth could only have been worse...
I-I_I-I spent a lot of happy moments on the ship. At day he will sleep, think about nothing, watch sea (from under the water since he was at bottom of the ship) and get crushed by X on chess.com. At night he will go out and steal food and patrol the ship proudly, imagining himself to be the deer captain.
And so I-I_I-I was very happy wasting his life in this wasteful way until he saw... "Land!", I-I_I-I thought loudly to himself, while trying not to shout it out in case someone heard it. So I-I_I-I went to the deck sneakily to find out where this land is. He learned that the ship was going to America but was a bit surprised to find that nobody is excited when the ship was approaching its "destination". "What a bunch of boring people!", I-I_I-I thought to himself and went to look at the land again, he was even more surprised as he saw more clearly that there was no big city on the land! But the ship was approaching it so this must be America, I-I_I-I thought to himself, there was still some distance between the ship and land but if the ship lands there, he probably won't get chances to get off the ship without anyone noticing so he came up with a brilliant plan...
At around 3 A.M. the next day, I-I_I-I sneakily stole a small boat and dropped it onto the water, and then dropped himself and his dog food onto the water (instead of the boat) and had to swim hard to get to the boat successfully, before he was finally ready to row all his way to the land of mystery...
After a nasty wave rolled the boat over and rolled the legendary I-I_I-I right onto the land. I-I_I-I, still trying to recover from his awkward position on the beach, lifted his head and saw a truck near the beach. He always has a fondness for trucks, perhaps because (real) trucks were the only toys for him while he was young, or because trucks were the main stuffs that took him from nowhere to somewhere during his lifetime, or yet because of the similarity between "back on track" (I-I_I-I's favorite words) and "back on truck" (again I-I_I-I's favorite words). Anyway, when I-I_I-I saw the truck, he ran to it without hesitation and hid himself in one of the boxes on the truck (he is especially good at hiding, by the way), and then he felt so tired that he sank into a long deep sleep. Soon the truck took off and in his unconscious dream he felt the vibrations of the truck as it passed through nowhere and head for somewhere, he also heard the strange yet familiar noises from those other boxes next to him.
When he woke up "some" time later (it could be a few days, since I-I_I-I is so good at sleeping), the box he's in was no longer moving, so he blasted the box apart (don't ask me how) and stepped outside. Immediately he let out a cry of misery. HE WAS ON THE LAND OF JUNGLE!!! How is this even possible? Why hadn't he notice this earlier? Why on earth is there a jungle in the first place? How on earth is this America? These hundreds of Hows and Whys flooded I-I_I-I's brain as he was struggling to understand what he was seeing. Then he had to clear them off of his mind one by one and finally came to one conclusion: he was alone, in a wild jungle, with his phone broken he can't call anyone for help. The truck had also gone to nowhere. "What am I supposed to do?" I-I_I-I thought desperately, for once in his whole life he wished he was still in his old prison and was still a deer leader. It was October 11th, 11:11 A.M., three months after his departure from his prison in China.
But right now he had no choice, he had to survive, by himself. So he immediately set out to find out exactly what this jungle is. "If the ship was going to America", he thought, "Then this jungle could only be...", a sense of fear swept over him, "Amazons", he finished his thought in a state of total terror. Finally he understood the ship was indeed going to America, but somehow it passed by Peru and I-I_I-I went off of the ship way too early and at exactly the wrong time. Even worse, the truck appeared at the beach at exactly the wrong time and I-I_I-I went on it at exactly the wrong time, which took him to the exactly wrong place. Looking around, I-I_I-I saw there were a few other empty boxes on the ground, which clearly contained wild animals earlier, this explained the strange noises he heard earlier in his dream.
"How unfortunate am I?", I-I_I-I let out a sigh of desperate, but then he remembered that things might not be too bad for him: since he was young, he had a lot of affair with wild animals. He had a lot of dogs, cats, birds, chicken, wolfs as pets at home, though it's clear that he made the mistake of putting them all in one place. But never mind that, at his 11th birthday, he went to the zoom and he was so happy that he even went into the cage of tigers and tried to feed them (with his deer body), but fortunately for him, he realized what was happening and got the hell out of it (or got the tigers out of it, with its unmanageable and insightful consequences) soon enough to keep his deer body.
Thanks to a bunch of similar stories about I-I_I-I, all wild animals in the world knew about him and he was basically the king of jungle in the middle of Amazons except... The queens of Amazons will not leave him alone...
So you see, I-I_I-I wasn't afraid of snakes, wolfs, tigers and virtually all wild animals at all. However, Amazons is particularly fearful because it has one vicious, brutal, fearsome type of wild animals: known as Queen of Amazons, or simply as Amazon, this kind of animal can move faster than any other animals and once they touch you, you are dead (don't go to Amazons and look for them right now, since like unicorns, they don't exist in the first place, but the mighty X can make up any mighty stuffs (as long as they are not even more powerful than X himself) in his stories). A graphical representation of Amazon looks something like this: (nobody knows the physical representation, of course)

Amazon

Well since this is a chess blog, and X hasn't even mentioned "chess" yet. So in the world of Amazons, X will try to take "chess" as an analog. For example, we can model Amazons roughly as an enlarged chess board and use the above graphical representation of Amazon as a chess piece. Then the starting position for this Amazons game looks like this:

The Amazons game

Amazon basically has the movement of a queen, plus the movement of a knight. Our legendary I-I_I-I may also be represented as a chess piece here (since he isn't too willing to share his real life photo, I have to use his avatar, feel free to imagine his look in any way you want). How did he move? Well he has the movement of a king (since he is king of jungle), plus the movement of a knight (this happens when he tried to jump, and he can never jump in a straight manner...). You might think the starting position is totally unfair to I-I_I-I (and I agree). However, this is (imaginary) real life, not a chess game, so the rules of chess have to be modified a bit to reflect this fact (and these modifications will save I-I_I-I's life shortly). Here are the important ones:
1. There are no checkmates, I-I_I-I loses if he gets captured (or decides to jump off the cliff). This implies there are no stalemates either.
2. The Amazon pieces are allowed to capture each other.
3. I-I_I-I wins if there are no more Amazon on board, also I have omitted all the other stuffs in Amazons for simplicity (and because they don't matter much).
4. I-I_I-I can skip a move if he wishes.
Sorry for the interruptions of this story, but I have to go a bit on-topic (rather than off-topic since this is already off-topic) and introduce more background information so this story makes more sense for those chess minded readers.
Well, hopefully you still haven't forgotten what this nonsense is about. But anyway let's get back to the story and let the Amazons game begin!
Our hero I-I_I-I, still stuck in the middle of Amazons, already realized what's coming for him and he knew those Amazon will not fear him. So he had to fight back. But wait, with the movement of a king and a knight, how is he supposed to fight with a bunch of Amazon? What he really needs to do, I-I_I-I thought, was to... escape! The word "escape" has come to I-I_I-I's nonsensical mind once again and gave him a brilliant plan to survive.
I-I_I-I had already heard of Amazon and he knew that they have some bad habits when hunting: Firstly none of they trust each other so they never know how to coordinate an attack correctly, which gives I-I_I-I time to escape (sort of like a newbie in chess didn't know how to checkmate with a bunch of rooks). Secondly if they don't get their targets soon, they will become furious and impatient and start to capture each other instead of the targets (which is allowed based on rule 2 above).
Now I-I_I-I's poor brain finally figured out that to survive, he needs to escape. And here he escaped: the bunch of Amazon attacked him madly, but I-I_I-I is smart enough to find some "safe squares" for him to be in, his movement of knight helped him greatly to escape. So he will always carefully step into squares not attacked by any Amazon, skipping a move on his turn if necessary. The Amazon, seeing that I-I_I-I is clever than themselves, got furious quickly and turned their attentions on each other instead of I-I_I-I. Of course I-I_I-I still needed to be careful to ensure that he isn't attacked by any Amazon in this madness, right now it's a life-or-death game, quite unlike those nonsensical games he played on chess.com against X where he hung his king every now and then.
I-I_I-I, fully concentrated, hung onto his deer life and never give Amazon any chances to attack him. So after quite some time of fighting, the number of Amazon started to decrease, until we reached the following critical position:

I-I_I-I's brilliant idea

Only two Amazon were left, yet it's critical for I-I_I-I: If he allowed one Amazon to capture the other, then he will never be able to deal with the remaining one and it will capture him soon. So in a bolt out of blue, I-I_I-I played I-I to i4!! What a move! He literally allowed two Amazon to attack him at once! Just about one of the Amazon was rushing over to I-I_I-I to chop him off the world, it suddenly realized something and stopped. It started to think (for the first time Amazon decided to think): If it captured I-I_I-I, then it will be attacked and captured by the remaining Amazon and the other Amazon will rule the Amazons! Forever! That is totally unfair! And so it decided not to capture I-I_I-I. The other Amazon clearly thought so too and I-I_I-I was quite safe in the middle of two furious Amazon.
This cold war continued for some time until one of the Amazon got bored and impatient and it thought: If it can't capture I-I_I-I, why can't it capture the other Amazon? I-I_I-I will be able to attack it but he may be dumb and fail to capture it properly. And here it goes: This thinking Amazon went to snap the other Amazon off of the world, which was totally unexpected for the poor Amazon. I-I_I-I, of course, was expecting this all along, so in a glorious knight jump by I-I_I-I, he jumped over to the remaining Amazon and in a life-or-death strike, he successfully captured the poor thinker off of the board and the world.
I-I_I-I had won the battle! He had managed to deal with a bunch of Amazon in the middle of Amazons! He had become the king of jungle, it was November 11th, 11:11 A.M., the Easter Day for I-I_I-I, one month after he first landed on Amazons.
I-I_I-I was quite happy with that, but he thought this wasn't really what he intended to do (to be fair, he didn't really intend to do anything), so he felt quite lost. Also after this insane adventure he learned that the outside world could be very dangerous, much more dangerous than his quite safe home in his old prison, a single slip could cost him the deer life this time. So after more nonsensical thinking about life, philosophy, escape, I-I_I-I had decided to go back! Now he had a ton of stuffs to boast about (though of course he couldn't carry a ton of stuffs with him), so dropping most of these stuffs out of his mind, he started to think about how on earth he can return to his deer old home (and become a deer leader)...
Well, I-I_I-I thought, if he was intending to go to America in the first place (no he wasn't), but accidentally landed here in Brazil, maybe he should go to America first and then figure out what to do next (I-I_I-I's rather simple mind didn't even consider the possibility of going back to China directly from Peru by smuggling into another ship, but of course it's his rather simple mind which led him into Amazons and made this whole story interesting, in the first place).
So after saying "Goodbye!" to all the animals in Amazons in over one hundred of different animal languages, and surrounding by all the animals (and getting squeezed by them), the king of jungle I-I_I-I left the Amazons and was preparing to smuggle into America...
First he smuggled successfully and easily into Mexico, when something nasty came into his simple mind: it's a well known fact that smuggling from America into Mexico is rather easy, since nobody do that and I-I_I-I is a nobody; on the other hand, smuggling from Mexico into America is Mission Impossible and I-I_I-I isn't Tom Cruise. Yet I-I_I-I was so determined that he will go to America, he will do that anyway. So after a long time of hovering on the border of Mexico, spying and planning, I-I_I-I came up with yet another brilliant plan (he always comes up with brilliant plans when he is on the "wrong" road doing the wrong things)...
On 2019 December 25th, 11:11 A.M. (UTC-..., well I never figure out what's this UTC stuff is and can never get time zone right, so for the sake of X, let's just say it's 11:11 A.M.), I-I_I-I had managed to smuggle into American and the location he was in at exactly that time was:
(Note: You are definitely surprised that X wasted over 3000 words talking in excessive details about how I-I_I-I got from China to Amazons, and he can waste another 2000 words for how I-I_I-I smuggled his way to America, yet X simply spent a few paragraphs for that and he did so for a good reason (excuse): in all adventure stories written by human (and possibly alien), the authors would spend a great deal of words to describe how the hero started his journey to adventure and the journey itself, but then on the return trip, they either get bored or run out of ideas or both (as in X), and they will simply describe lightly the return trip and conclude their nonsensical stories (though X may have described it too lightly). The same is true for this story)

White House

(Note to Note: You may still be surprised that how in the universe did I-I_I-I get from Amazons to White House in one month. Well considering that he got from China to Amazons in three months it isn't that hard to believe it will only take him another month to do something marvelous, so X will leave it to readers' nonsensical mind to figure the details out. And if this story gets really popular (which probably won't happen), X can write a series of them describing in unnecessarily excessive details the nonsensical return trip for I-I_I-I)
(Note to Note to Note: Now back to the story)
What?! I-I_I-I was right in White House? Well you didn't read the map wrong, he was literally in White House at that time. If you wish to do something as insane as smuggling to America from Mexico, you have to do it in the insane way, and this is exactly what was in I-I_I-I's insane mind when he figured his brilliant plan out.
If you still couldn't believe this, go read the "Note to Note" above (again) and let's simply assume I-I_I-I was in White House at this point.
Normally if you break into White House in this way, without invitation from Trump, FBI will come to you immediately and dealing with a bunch of FBI (for I-I_I-I) is much harder than dealing with a bunch of Amazon. But fortunately for I-I_I-I, it "happened" to be Christmas that day, and the great President Trump was on vacation. To make sure that nobody will ever disturb him while he was on vacation, Trump shut down the government in the process and made a law claiming that "Nobody should work on Christmas! Not even FBI!", so for I-I_I-I it was quite safe, even in White House.
I-I_I-I went out of Empty House with a terrible feeling: Why NO ONE was working? I-I_I-I thought annoyingly. He spent a great deal of effort to smuggle here, and just to find that he STILL could not get back to China because of those lazy people. Of course he can wait for Christmas to finish before continuing his nonsensical plan (which won't take long), but he was so annoyed and his mind was so simple that he simply couldn't think in this way and he had to find alternative plans to get back home...
And so I-I_I-I's legendary journey continued. First he had to find a good way to get out of America, he could get back to Mexico but he sweared when he was 3 years old that he would never go to the same place twice and he kept his promise. So the "only" plan for him was to proceed north.
And north he went: after crossing the whole United State and smuggling into Canada (I am reading a world map right now, by the way), he took another huge ship heading for Russia. On the half way through his trip to Russia I-I_I-I again left the ship too early and ended up somewhere around North Pole. Then he spent quite some time cycling around the North Pole, trying to find the "right" direction, before he finally left the North Pole successfully, with the help of a mysterious orca who claimed to be I-I_I-I himself. Well then he finished the other half of his journey to Russia. Arriving at Russia, I-I_I-I began to march south. Marching through Russia, I-I_I-I then went to Mongolia. Now he had to cross the Mongolia Grassland, but of course the vast grassland is nothing compared to Amazons. And then finally, he arrived at (or rather, smuggled into) his homeland China. Unfortunately for him, he still needed to keep marching south to get to his old deer prison. Somehow he found that marching through China was the trickiest journey he had faced so far (possibly because he was missing his ID card, XD card, bank card, or indeed, everything related to cards) and it's definitely not a pleasant journey for him as he got himself into troubles at least a dozen times. But I-I_I-I is I-I_I-I, he simply threw all the troubles to someone else and got the hell onto the right truck and soon, he was back to his home prison in Hefei...
(That was a lot of traveling in the above paragraph, feeling like time traveling? Well maybe I-I_I-I was time traveling)
It was 2020 July 11th, 11:11 A.M. UTC+8 (I got this one right!), a whole year after the begin of this story, when I-I_I-I planned to start this adventure (or did he?). Well the story didn't quite end there, when I-I_I-I arrived at the front door of his prison, just about to go pridefully into it, someone interrupted him! The guard asked him if he was in a right state of mind, I-I_I-I was totally annoyed at this and shouted "I AM IN A LEFT STATE OF MIND!!!" before he performed the nasty sequence of actions (for which I won't talk in detail here, but clearly it annoyed the guard) which is considered to be the "standard" sequence to get you right into prison (and for which he performed before and he was so good at it that he did it again here without thinking). The guard clearly got his intention and kicked him right into his old cell in his old prison.
Again the story didn't quite end there. After I-I_I-I recovered from the kick the guard just gave him, he found himself surrounded by a bunch of familiar faces, they were the guys who called him deer leader a year ago! However, right now they didn't seem too happy to see I-I_I-I again. On the contrary, they seemed quite grumpy: after I-I_I-I got rid of all of them one year ago, they soon realized they were being fooled, so after regretting deeply how they helped him to escape they spent a whole year discussing how they will punish I-I_I-I if he (ever) comes back.

"Now now now, my deer friend", said the guy whom I-I_I-I got rid of at the port a year ago, he and others were approaching I-I_I-I with an evil grin on their faces, "What final words do you have now?". I-I_I-I responded quickly and calmly, "I have only one sentence to say, my deer followers". "You better be quick!", the prisoners snapped. And then our hero I-I_I-I took a deep deep breath and said one long long long sentence summarizing all of his journey for which I talked at length above (and I will not try to reproduce that sentence of course). While this didn't help at all to clarify the situation, it did help to confuse the prisoners. They simply got confused and forgot what they just said, instead, they asked I-I_I-I for a detailed explanation of his marvelous journey. I-I_I-I, glad that he got out of troubles (again) so quickly, sat down and started to boast about all of his adventures, except that he further exaggerated the details (for example, he stated he fought a bunch of dragons in Amazons, dealt with FBI in White House, and so on). The prisoners were simply amazed by I-I_I-I's power, they apologized quickly, begged for forgiveness and made I-I_I-I deer leader once again. Yes, after all that happened, I-I_I-I was once again back to his prison, and once again became a deer leader.
Now it makes sense to show a final world map showing all of I-I_I-I's splendid journey (as a side note, your author is so terrible at geography that he got the locations on this map wrong several times and had to rewrite several parts of the above story):

I-I_I-I's Adventure

Now, you may ask, did that conclude this whole nonsensical story with a rather happy ending? Well, this blog is written by X and this fact alone implies that the blog will never end.
As with any adventure stories, there are both a fanciful side and a realistic side of the story. For nearly all the stories you have read, the authors wisely avoided the realistic side altogether and sticked to the fanciful side. But X is X, this fact alone (again) implies his story will go on forever...
All the above texts can be viewed as the fanciful side of I-I_I-I's biography, now what about the realistic side? Who is I-I_I-I, in the most realistic sense? Unfortunately I-I_I-I's realistic life has been so simple that that question may be answered with one sentence: In 2019 July 11th, around 11:11 A.M., I-I_I-I just finished his terrible grade 11 and was about to enter the even more terrible grade 12...
(Note: You may worry that the following "realistic" story will be rather boring. But don't worry, X is a powerful writer and he can always turn the boring I-I_I-I into vivid hero)
Grade 12? Some of you may not immediately realize what that means, so for the sake of clarity, X will go into more details on that. At the age of 3, I-I_I-I was forced to enter kindergarten. Kindergarten took 3 years but unfortunately it didn't contribute to the grade count, so at the age of 3+3=6, I-I_I-I was (sadly) grade 0. Then came the primary school, it wasted 6 whole years and by the end of it, I-I_I-I was 6+6=12 years old with a grade of 0+6=6. Now junior high school wasted another 3 years and I-I_I-I became 12+3=15 years old with grade 6+3=9. Finally things became nasty for him, the infamous senior high school would have taken another 3 years and by the end of it I-I_I-I would be 15+3=18 years old with grade 9+3=12.
12! YES that number finally appeared! Now you see, in 2019 July 11th, around 11:11 A.M., I-I_I-I was about to take part in his final grade in senior high school, at the age of 18. What's so special about that? Those of you who are under 18 will probably ask. X will tell you that at the very end of grade 12, there is something deadly, something of pure evil... This "thing", known as the-test-that-must-not-be-named, or as g**k** (in Chinese), or simply as e*am, can't really be described in words. The-test-that-must-not-be-named is a bit too long to type, so in the following X will simply write it as e*am.
Again, you may wonder what's so evil about this e*am. After all, many of you have taken part in many e*ams, BUT not this one! This particular e*am is infamous and notorious for its illogicality and toxicity, which in turn put up a dubious test on your sanity (or insanity, for that matter). To do this particularly evil e*am well, you don't have to be a genius, instead you just have to be a psychopath.

If you don't get what I mean, here is an example. A typical problem from the English part of this e*am looks something like this:

111. What the ____(four letter) are you doing? (1 Points)

(For answer to this insane problem, just ask I-I_I-I since he is so good at dealing with this sort of problems)

To make matter even worse, our hero I-I_I-I will be constantly facing death threats during grade 12: Firstly, his parents will kill him if he doesn't do well in that e*am. Secondly, his parents will also kill his teachers if they don't make him do well in that e*am, so his teachers must threaten his life first. Thirdly, his fellows will try everything they could to get him into his tomb, since if he is dead they have one less competitor. Fourthly but not lastly, he will threaten his own life (in truly psychopath's style).
Now you understood why "grade 12" is such an evil thing in the world to fear. I-I_I-I surely realized it long before grade 12 (actually X just told him so), since he was struggling to avoid the horrific grade 12 since he was 9 years old: While dying on battlefield in grade 12 is the way to go for most normal people, there are always ways to cheat your way out of it. I-I_I-I was a smart nine years old, so at that time he already picked his favorite cheating tools (a PC made in the 1980s) and got onto his favorite truck, fighting and waiting to get past grade 12 without anyone noticing and fool everyone else...

And so he fought, he fought for eight whole years... until in the summer of 2019, after he finished the terrible grade 11, he was finally ready to make his first (and final) critical attempt to bypass the evil grade 12. He was so convinced that he would succeed and he tried, but unfortunately, in truly heroic style, he failed (the details are something of a tragedy, too tragical to be mentioned here, in a blog celebrating his return). Not only did he fail, the eight years he spent now became a waste and he still had to face grade 12 after all, and totally unprepared. I-I_I-I, well aware that this could very well be his last summer in his life, decided to give up... BUT WAIT! On that very day of 2019 July 11th, I-I_I-I, somewhere on earth, logged off chess.com and started to think about something... Well as you can easily guess, X have already talked the continuation at length right at the beginning of this blog so it's totally unnecessary to reproduce it here. Now let's just skip right to 2020 July 11th and continue with the "realistic" end.

So our hero, with his brilliant plan, arrived at his lair on 2020 July 11th. Moreover, he no longer has to suffer grade 12! He simply skipped it! That sounds wonderful, but there are still some technical issues for him to deal with. What, if anything, is the purpose for that e*am at the end of grade 12? As everyone knows, it has a lot to do with something called "university". I-I_I-I skipped grade 12 successfully, but if he can't go to university, he accomplished nothing and then he has to start all over again, which is surely not what he wants.

Fortunately for him, the headmaster for the University of Noob (aka UNoob, the officially worst university in China) heard about I-I_I-I's legendary story (X told him) and was so impressed by it that he sent I-I_I-I an invitation to that university by himself, even though I-I_I-I never enters grade 12 and does that e*am. The gracious headmaster also promised to give I-I_I-I the scholarship (worth about $11). Of course, I-I_I-I was so pleased that someone offered him a university, without having to do anything himself, accepted the offer happily and were prepared to proceed to dominate the whole world...

What happens next? You are surely eager to know (if you read to this point). Well, that is left to the future X, not me. So yay, stay untuned and keep waiting.

"Who is I-I_I-I?", it's my personal belief that I have totally failed to answer that key question even with all the above wall of texts, so it makes sense to focus once again on that very question, with all the knowledge you gained about I-I_I-I just now...

In the modern age of internet, the easiest way to find out about some unknown stuff (like I-I_I-I) is to search it up. And this is obviously what I will do first. Go to www.google.com and type "I-I_I-I" in the search field, hit "search" and you will see something like (note: it's a shame that google doesn't know I-I_I-I and will tend to search for "I-I I-I" instead. If you want to try this experiment on your own, you need to force it to search "I-I_I-I"):

Search for I-I_I-I
Search for I-I_I-I

While most of the entries don't make much sense, the most prominent ones (which I believe give strong evidence of I-I_I-I's mysterious identity) are:

https://www.chess.com/member/i-i_i-i (Go visit and spam him NOW if you haven't already done so)

https://open.spotify.com/playlist/0dHcrhshe45gcr7USKUx53 (Is I-I_I-I a mysterious singer on Spotify? Definitely!)

I-I_I-I on Spotify

along with numerous spam accounts he created on some unknown (like him) sites.

While it is not entirely clear whether I provided a definite answer to I-I_I-I's identity, it is clear that this is the best I can do. Remember, I-I_I-I is a mysterious boy, maybe we will never know who he truly is until he dominated the entire universe (impossible, don't worry).

Now, I can hear most of you screaming "What the hell is this, isn't this blog entitled 'Blitz 1300? The Return of I-I_I-I!'?? Where even is blitz???" (I just mentioned "blitz"). Yes it's natural to feel like getting clickbaited, at this point. But no worries, surely X wouldn't waste 5000+ words just to clickbait you (or would he?). Besides, you are not actually screaming about that, I merely wrote it, so I can provide an explanation (i.e. excuse) for it. Make sense? No? Good.

The title of this blog, "Blitz 1300? The Return of I-I_I-I!", may be broken into two parts: "Blitz 1300?" and "The Return of I-I_I-I!". Obviously, all the above texts have nothing to do with the first part and are devoted exclusively to "The Return of I-I_I-I!". As I have noted in another blog (written in an unknown place somewhere else), question marks "?" are used to express something dubious, while exclamation marks "!" are used to express something epic. So the first part is dubious while the second part is epic and it definitely makes more sense to put the epic part (the return of I-I_I-I!) first. That provides an excellent excuse for my dubious writings.

In case you are still not convinced, you can view it this way: any decent blogs have an introduction, and it's X's belief that the longer introduction, the greater the blog. So ALL of the above 5000+ words may be viewed as merely an introduction and this blog may be viewed as the greatest blog of all times (as a trivial side effect). There are even whole books devoted to introductions (for example, An Introduction in Chess (by X), An Introduction in Metal Perplexing (by X), An Introduction in Introductions (by X) and all the books with titles in the form An introduction in XXX (all by X))! So this may also be viewed as An Introduction in I-I_I-I (by X, of course). Now in the following, I still have to proceed to the (relatively short) main body of the blog, in which I will explain the dubious first part of the title "Blitz 1300?", and which finally put the blog on-topic and justifies its appearance on a chess website.

X is a careful writer, which means if he decided to write something, he will investigate it on his own. In this case the investigation is easy. X just went to I-I_I-I's profile to check out his dubious blitz rating, but then what he saw truly gave him a shock:

I-I_I-I's blitz

As expected, I-I_I-I has a dubious blitz rating of 1302 and is a bit on tilt (at the time of writing, though I strongly suspect he will suck at 1300 forever). BUT what about the "fact" that he also has a ridiculously high peak rating of 1551? How in the universe is that even possible?? At this point X will have to pause and contemplate about his own whole chess career...

After X recovered from the shock he just received, he immediately set out to find the cause for what he just saw (like a professional detective). Very swiftly, he went to I-I_I-I's archive, set the filter to blitz and went immediately to the last page of the archive (all done within one second). What X saw now finally makes more sense:

(Just in case you can't be a great detective like X, here is the link to that archive https://www.chess.com/games/archive/i-i_i-i?gameOwner=other_game&gameType=live&gameTypeslive%5B%5D=blitz&timeSort=desc&page=4)

The evidence for I-I_I-I's blitz crime

The mystery for I-I_I-I's peak blitz rating is finally out! So he basically beat @Komodo5 and then @Komodo6 unsoundly to get his dubious peak rating of 1551. Is that the whole story? For most people it is but X has his gifted detective skills and he immediately noticed the subtle and dubious details in the above figure: @I-I_I-I joined chess.com in Dec 24, 2016, 11:11 A.M., yet the first blitz he played was in Nov 26, 2018. To X it is pretty obvious that I-I_I-I spent two whole years to observe and study his enemies @Komodo5 and @Komodo6 closely before he finally committed his crime to crush those two innocent players and got his undeserved rating. Also obviously I-I_I-I was so proud of himself that he tried his hand on @Komodo7 without proper preparation and it backfired. His evil plan didn't work out so well this time and he got crushed pretty hard (excellent punishment for his evil crime):

All these sound dubious (and it is very dubious indeed and hence the title of this blog), but the even more dubious things follow suit. X, again using his excellent detective skills, deduced that I-I_I-I got so disturbed by this last loss that he couldn't concentrate again and the next few games are also terrible, even though he was playing against @Komodo6:

Disturbed I-I_I-I

Immediately following that, he tried the top engine @stockfish and weak patzer @Komodo2 in a dubious manner, before he suffered even more punishments from @Komodo7:

I-I_I-I's dubious blitz record

Continuing with X's infallible and illogical logic, I-I_I-I probably realized at this point that he will never be able to beat his peak rating again by fighting the Komodo family, so for the first time he decided to fight the random patzers around the world. Unfortunately for him, he was a random patzer himself after all so it didn't really work out too well:

I-I_I-I (patzer) vs NPs (unnamed patzers)

The cruel game of chess was obviously driving the poor patzer I-I_I-I mad so to gain some confidence, he committed the dirtiest crime and bullied and destroyed the most innocent patzer in the world: @Komodo1. And he did it twice! Shame on you, I-I_I-I!

I-I_I-I's victim Komodo1

A bunch of similar games eventually led I-I_I-I from his dubious peak of 1551 to his dubious current rating of 1302... Evil guys are evil guys, no matter how hard they tried, and no matter how great they started, they will eventually be punished and destroyed by justice. In this case, the evil I-I_I-I will be forced to suck at his 1300 blitz rating forever. And this, is the most nonsensical conclusion detective X can deduce in his nonsensical mind from I-I_I-I's dubious blitz journey.

That, more or less, concluded the first part of this blog and thus the blog itself. Yet, according to traditions, X will provide a short "summary".

Summary

First of all, I must claim that this is a great blog, so great that I wouldn't be surprised at all if it is the greatest blog of all time (actually it is). And I would be even less surprised if it earned the well deserved title of "Best Blog of 2020" (since X is the only referee for that title, I am sure it will earn it).

Secondly, according to the well known saying "Nonsense can't be summarized" (said by the great X), there is really nothing to be summarized. Nonetheless, X will put here collection of random stuffs like "the origin of I-I_I-I".

The Origin of I-I_I-I

@xIongyunuo

@zIwaawa

@dIduseethatcomeing (no I didn't)

@sIthlord

plus _-__-___- (who later became @spacebar), we have...

I-I_I-I hates you all!

The Keys to I-I_I-I's Success

For those of you who have read this blog carefully, you are definitely wondering why I-I_I-I has been so successful. Fortunately for you, I will provide the answers here for those of you who have the patience to read to this point:

1. The number 11 obviously played a key role to I-I_I-I's success.

2. Without X, I-I_I-I will still be a dumb potato (even though X really did nothing).

3. Be I-I_I-I.

I-I_I-I's main timeline

2002 11.11 11:11 A.M. born under a damp evil bridge.

2004 11.11 11:11 A.M. learned his first swear word (he still uses that word to this day, he will say that to you if you go spam his PM or notes or chat (or all of them)).

2011 11.11 11:11 A.M. decided to waste eight years to skip grade 12.

2019 7.11 11:11 A.M. wasted eight years to attempt to skip grade 12 (and failed of course), decided to start the adventure which constituted most of this blog.

2020 7.11 11:11 A.M. back from his adventure and entered the University of Noob (UNoob).

(Note: the following hasn't even happened yet so it's (sort of) made up)

2050 11.11 11:11 A.M. smuggled into the island of mystery and stole the Fountain of Youth and gained an eternal life.

2111 11.11 11:11 A.M. stole a spaceship and travelled to the Star of Noob far away from earth to start Star RAR: an unsound attempt to dominate the whole universe...

(Now X finally ran out of imaginative ideas from his nonsensical mind so the rest is left to readers' imaginations)

Thank you, my deer readers, for your readings! (Even though I am sure very very few people could read it all)

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