What it's really like being a female chess player.

Females that play chess are surrounded by an allure and mystery in the chess world. We are seen as a beautiful and tragic anomaly for the pleasure of the male gaze. A nice novelty that people can read about and think "That's nice. Feminism has come so far." The reality of being an actual woman who plays chess is far less poetic. 

As a woman, I deal with sexism almost every time I play chess. I have experienced sexism from relatively minor offenses that in some twisted way could be seen as a compliment, to serious sexual harassment. The day to day life of a female chess player is fraught with micro and macro agressions from male chess players. 

Naturally, I'm sure a few of my sweet readers will be skeptical of my claims. But one would only need to spend a few weeks checking my direct messages to see some of the ridiculous and lude things dudes feel like they can send to me, and they would clearly see the stuff I have to put up with. Or perhaps instead I should describe how a guy I played in a tournament once suggested that the only reason I won was because of my cleavage. Like for real? I've played hundreds of guys, and never once was I so overcome with sexual attraction that I wasn't able to focus on my game. Or maybe that's not serious enough. Maybe I need to talk about how a fellow chess player consistently would seek me out and make uncomfortable and unwanted sexual advances on me. 

Whatever the case may be, whatever evidence that the world needs to understand the prominence of sexism in the chess world, is beyond my understanding. Instead, I'd rather just call it like it is, and hope that talking about will in some way lead to change. 

to the extent that i CAN sympathize, I do...

but I have a question.  Chess can be a tricky social activity.  my victory is usually due to an embarassing and humilitating blunder.  Even amoung friends, it demands a certain amount of respect and tolerance.... How can you be SO sure all the bad feelings directed at you are because you are an female chess player? isn't possible that some of this due to the natural conflict of chess??

I say this, and yet I don't have any doubt whatsoever that some of what you've experienced Is wrong, is unacceptable sexism.  I've seen quite a few other ladies share their negative experiences- and it upsets me that men, apparently bright men, can't be in control of themselves and act with civility. 

as much as I sympathize, you are brave to post here.  I'm seen so pretty rude and crass behavior on chess.com forums.  I'm not sure I share your hope that making a post about it, will fix anything.   its seems to me, More likely for you to make a change by addressing your local club- letting them know about the problem, and sharing negative experiences.

I was just thinking we need another fake female troll account on the forums.

If you read the whole post you'll see that the problem has also occurred OTB according to the OP. It is not just an Internet phenomenon, though it is more prevalent with anonymity. 

It didn't read as "trollish". Sounds like a lament. My suggestion is to use your privacy settings in your profile, don't use an actual picture of yourself as an avatar, and finally to use your mind here instead of your sex. Good luck:)

yes, and the real point, is that on the internet, I think, most of your problems can go away with a vague avatar/username.  but, IRL, you are who you are.

I've been insulted/bullied here and irl.  and its much worse irl.

Have you found any effective methods for dealing with creeps either on-line or IRL?  Or is it best just to ignore them?  

More creeps on-line than in real life. But much much much more dangerous in real life.

i'm pretty sure the OP was talking about irl ("in real life"), OTB tournaments.  Generally, to my mind, it would make sense to have THAT avatar and write THIS post, if you were really disgusted about the sexism on chess.com.

instead, delete any posts on your profile, pick a tree- or mountain as you avatar and name it something neutral... and  Who would know what sex you are, online?

or to be even more anonymous,create another new account.

@trysts. curious.  as a prolific poster did you ever consider not making it obvious you were a women? 

some people who post don't ever state their gender, and its more or less assumed they are "one of the guys"... 

I don't believe that these people "want" that kind of attention.

I use a real pic in my profile.  I feel like I shouldn't be ashamed of who I am.

No, I never considered it simply because I'd have to hide it in my personality, which I don't think I can do. As much as I babble on it eventually would come up It's really not very difficult here if you avoid posting your pictures and don't engage very much in flirting and such. I've been accepted here without much hassle at all:)

Oh, and I think I look more attractive in some of the member's minds than I ever can in real life

There was a NYTimes article recently about women in science that nailed it for me:

"A great chorus of formal condemnation shall be lifted up, and my male colleagues will sputter with gall, appalled by the actions of bad apples so rare they have been encountered by every single woman I know."

http://www.nytimes.com/2016/03/06/opinion/sunday/she-wanted-to-do-her-research-he-wanted-to-talk-feelings.html?_r=0

This...

I am likewise not afraid of who I am or the hundreds of trash cans I have laid waste to under the veil of the suburban night.

This is real, but not more prominent in the chess world I think.

and this

and defo this!  All spot on!

What this rubbish with being mystical and alluring? Aren't you being sexist yourself by perpetrating a myth that somehow women are mystical and alluring (as opposed to men).

Also it sounds more like you have a problem with males. Does have 0% to do with chess, 100% with other things. Sucks to be you. But nobody cares.

The point is a fair one, but you almost blinded me by typing it with the red highlighting. My eyes hurt. That should be classified as a form of torture.