Don't quote me on this:

DUMB COURT QUESTIONS:

Lawyer: Did you blow your horn or anything? 
Witness: After the accident? 
Lawyer: Before the accident. 
Witness: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.

Lawyer: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
Witness: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.


Lawyer: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
Witness: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Lawyer: And Mr. Johnson was dead at the time?
Witness: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

The next day the testimony of the doctor continued. (same lawyer)

Lawyer: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check  for a pulse?
Witness: No.
Lawyer: Did you check for blood pressure?
Witness: No.
Lawyer: Did you check for breathing?
Witness: No.
Lawyer: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive  when you began the autopsy?
Witness: No.
Lawyer: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
Witness: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Lawyer: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
Witness: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

Lawyer: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo or occult? 
Witness: We both do. 
Lawyer: Voodoo? 
Witness: Yes we do. 
Lawyer: You do? 
Witness: Yes, voodoo.

 Lawyer: How was your first marriage terminated? 
Witness: By death. 
Lawyer: And by whose death was it terminated?

Lawyer: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
Witness: Yes.
Lawyer: And what were you doing at that time?

Lawyer: What is your date of birth?
Witness: July fifteenth.
Lawyer: What year?
Witness: Every year !

Lawyer: How many times have you committed suicide?
Witness: (looking confused) Is that a question?

Lawyer: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing? 
Witness: Yes. 
Lawyer: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car? 
Witness: Yes, sir. 
Lawyer: What did she say? 
Witness: She said 'What disco am I at?'

Lawyer: Mr. Smith, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you? 
Witness: I went to Europe, Sir. 
Lawyer: And you took your new wife?

Lawyer: You say the stairs went down to the basement? 
Witness: Yes. 
Lawyer: And these stairs, did they go up also?

Lawyer: She had three children, right? 
Witness: Yes. 
Lawyer: How many were boys? 
Witness: None. 
Lawyer: Were there any girls?

Lawyer: Can you describe the individual you saw? 
Witness: He was about medium height and had a beard. 
Lawyer: Was this a male, or a female?

Lawyer: And where was the location of the accident?
Witness: Approximately milepost 499.
Lawyer: And where is milepost 499?
Witness: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.
 

Lawyer: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

Lawyer: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?
Witness: What do you think counselor.

 
Lawyer: Did he kill you?
Witness: Excuse me counselor can you repeat the question?

Lawyer: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
Witness: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Lawyer: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning? 
Witness: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?" 
Lawyer: And why did that upset you? 
Witness: My name is Susan.