Chess Jokes

This one is supposedly a true story.

A French king was having a battle sometime in the 18th century. Things got really bad and his army was defeated, while he was surrounded by the enemy together with his bodyguard cavalrymen.

An ambitious soldier approached the king, took out his sword and shouted: "The king is captured!".

The king leaned down from the horse and told the guy: "Idiot, don't you know to this date that the king can never be captured..."

While the private was confused with the reply the king charged the horse and escaped...  

The Passionate Chess-Player

Latour, a passionate admirer of the game of chess, was once playing at the house of a friend; when most deeply interested, and on the point of check-mating his opponent, a mischievous child, who was allowed by its mother the most unstrained liberty, threw himself directly upon the chess-board, knocking the pieces in every direction.

In a great passion, Latour bitterly cursed children in general, and this one in particular. “How can you,” asked the mother, “wish harm to the poor little innocent?” “Madam,” replied Latour, “innocents such as that would reconcile me with Herod.”

From “The Sociable Story-Teller”
Being a Selection of New Anecdotes, Humorous Tales, Amusing Stories, and Witticisms:
Calculated to entertain and enliven the Social Circle

Boston: James French 78 Washington St 1846

Printed by S.N. Dickinson & Co.

whats the difference between a couple on a blind date and a chess player?

the chess player mates then chats.

where do you buy chess supplies?

at a pawn shop.

A pirate is missing a chess piece. He walks into a Toy & Hobby store. He is three sheets to the wind. Trying to be helpful, a store assistant asks him: "Would you like a wooden parrot, sir?"
"Shiver me timbers!", yells the pirate.
"Perhaps you are looking for a new eye-patch then?"
"Damn and blast yer eyes!", shouts the pirate.
The assistant perseveres. "Could it be a game you are wanting?"
"Arrrhh", says the pirate.
"Or even just the parts of a game?"
"Oooohhhhhh", agrees the pirate.
"Well, we need to narrow down the choices. We have hundreds of games."
"OOOOOOOOOOOOOOhhhhhhhhhhhhh "kkkkeeeeeeeeeeyyyyyyy", says the pirate.
The assistant hands him a rook and says: "Well if you knew how to spell it, why didn't you say so in the first place!"
 

(derived from the famous "Medias por favor" joke)

did you know the price of chess sets has gone up across the board?

an old one

passersby notice a man playing chess with a dog and say how smart the dog must be.

hes not that clever says the the man im winning three games to one.

Here is one I posted on another thread for those who missed it;

 I remember years ago a Russian friend of mine had been a prisoner in a Russian gulag back in 1972. He said all the prisoners were listening to the world championship match every day over a radio. One day when the match was all tied up the guards discovered the radio and took it from the prisoners so they couldn't listen to it.

well after about 2 weeks of not knowing what had happened in the Fischer Spassky match, a new prisoner arrived. Everyone immediately asked him what happened in the World Chess Championship Match and he said. " I lost."

Ahh. That is a new one to me.

There is a video from the editor of the Russian Magazine "64" telling it. I wrote a blog about it and you can watch it by clicking HERE.

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.

After an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.

"But why?" they asked, as they moved off.

"Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

Two old players always meet at a park for a game...the other one usually brings his queen piece at the game and brings it home too because he liked how his queen piece looked...one day the other player while playing...noticed something...and said..."What happened to your queens crown?"....The other guy muttered "I pawned it"

Baltic. Good one. Nice variation on the 'pawn'

George Carlin once asked, "Can you buy an entire chess set at a pawn shop?".

Costin posted this joke a year ago:

A cowboy walks into a bar and orders a drink. Someone suddenly screams "He's taking your horse!". The cowboy get's up shoots a guy then runs out to see that his horse was fine. Comes back in, orders another drink, a voice says "He's taking your horse!". The cowboy get's up, shoots another guy, runs out but there was no one near his horse and he comes back in. The bartender says "Move the damn horse away from the queen already before this guy shoots us all!" (in my country the knight is called horse :p ).

Once during an international tournament, in which the most illustrious players in the world were participating, a strange looking fellow introduced himself to the great Cuban, who was no doubt expecting another plea for an autograph, and told him that he had solved chess. You can imagine the look on Capablanca's face who immediately began to turn away just in case the man wasn't just crazy, but violent as well. Still, the strange insistent man then pulled a thousand dollars from his pocket and told Capablanca it would be his if he could avoid being mated in twelve moves. Well, crazy or not, a thousand dollars is a thousand dollars, so he accepted and obligingly followed the man to his room.

The game started simply enough, but after a couple of strange moves, as soon as move eight, the position began to look menacing, and to his absolute shock, Capablanca saw his King being mated on the twelfth move. His eyes were bulging, he couldn't believe it, and he insisted that they start over. This time he tried a completely different opening, one that could never lead to that same position, but just as before, after a few strange moves, with no possible counter, he found himself checkmated again. Something was wrong, he must have made some very obvious mistake, but he couldn't see where, so he told the fellow to wait, and 20 minutes later he came back with both Lasker, and Alekhine. Lasker seemed dubious about the whole idea before the game began, and played a slow and very defensive opening, yet twelve moves later, in front of an equally incredulous Alekhine, he too saw his King surrounded.

"It was terrible, and embarrassing", Capablanca told his friend, but no matter what opening they tried, no matter what they did, they were always checkmated after twelve moves. What were they going to do? They were the best in the world and yet now it was all over: chess had been solved.

"But I never heard that chess was solved. What did you do? What happened?" his friend asked.

"Why we killed him, of course."

There's a 16 year-old girl that wants to start dating. She would like to date some guy on the football team, but her father doesn't approve.

In fact, her father seems to not approve of anyone that she starts to date. So the girl comes to her father and asks, " Who am I allowed to date?"
The father reples, " Someone from the chess club." The puzzled daughter asks, "Why?" The father replies, "Because they take hours to make a move."

This joke is based on a French short story called "Nineteen Moves" I have yet to track it down but if I ever do you will see it posted.

thanks to both who explained that one. i,ve never heard of jdoube.

wow lots of these are corny