Section VII -- Dark Matter
Once upon a time, in a land far far away, hidden in the vast emptiness of space with billions and billions of stars, billions and billions of stars, there lived a lawyer. His name, A. Square. He was a square. He lived in a land called Flatland*. He has a grandson who was a hexagon. A. Hexagon was a physicist. One day, a team of pentagons, out on field work, brought back strange stones. They had a curious property that one side of one would attract one side of another, but repel the opposite side. They decided to call these stones, magic rocks, and the force that pushes/pulls them, magic. As they have yet to discover white magic, there was no need to give this magic a special name. Now, as A. Hexagon was experimenting on these stones, he came to a startling realization that their whole circle planet was held together by this very force known as magic. Further experiments allowed the exact force between two magic stones to be calculated as a function of distance. They later realized that this magic force alone was too weak to be the only force holding their plane together. There were places where magic was detected, but no matter was present. They thought and thought, and finally decided to name this, dark matter.
Actually, never mind that. This theory was already proposed, and thus, it is invalid. After some deliberation, it was found that the real cause of dark matter is something known as the Kirby particle. As we know, Kirby is a pink globular entity that inhales everything[4]. These Kirby particles are known to produce a strong force of attraction that accounts for the gravity thought to have been produced by dark matter. Now this leaves a few discrepancies. Most importantly, how did Kirby get here? Why is Kirby invisible instead of pink? Why are there so many Kirbys?
First, the origin of the Kirby particles shall be addressed. There exists video evidence of Kirby's star exceeding light speed, as it was shown to be passing by light waves. There is also a possibility that Kirby got a hold of the dimensional cape. The most likely cause of kirby's being here is that Kirby inhaled a black hole. Its gravitational force compressed Kirby to a singularity, but at that moment Kirby digested it, gaining its powers. Kirby expanded the event horizon to try to become normal again, but it was no avail. After some time, a wormhole formed at te singularity, sending Kirby off to our dimension. Kirby lost the black hole's power so it is now capable of absorbing other things, thus creating the Kirby force. Due to spacetime warping from the wormhole, Kirby multiplied, creating a vast number of Kirby particles. This is how dark matter came to be.
When a Kirby particle absorbs another Kirby particle, something magical happens. As the Kirbies try to absorb each other, they both compress to fit in the other Kirby's mouth, until their volume and distance plummet to 0, fusing, and creating a super kirby which has a halflife of 3.7485**... Planck time units. When it divides, it explodes with a great outwards force. This outwards force is responsible for universal expansion being accelerated instead of slowed down by gravity.
* This Flatland, although sharing many similarities with Flatland, written by Edwin Abott, is a different Flatland situated on the plane z=5. The Flatland written about by Edwin Abott is located on plane z=0.
** 3.7485828585590952383606834812 etc. It is an irrational number.
Section VIII -- Aliens
A long time ago, Ptolemy suggested that the Earth is located at the center of the universe and doesn't move[9]. Later, Galileo and Copernicus disproved Ptolemy and convinced everyone that Earth's orbit is a circle[10]. Kepler realized it wasn't a circle and said it was an eclipse[11]. During Kepler's time, the earth's orbit really was an eclipse, but recently, in the 20th century the Earth's orbit slowly changed into a different shape. It consists of 4 angles of 90 degrees each and 4 congruent sides. For simplicity, we will give this shape a name, Georev (equilateral equiangular quadrangle is too long a name).What caused this change in earth's orbit? Well, its the same reason that ever since the Great War, the world's been plagued by ubiquitous fighting and war. Two groups of alien species, with cloaking technology, have recently set their sight on taking Earth and colonizing it. This means that they must pull earth away from its natural orbit and eradicate all life on Earth in order to take it. The way they tried to destroy the preeminent life on Earth was by brainwashing leaders into instigating war with other nations. They also released the HIV virus in attempt to make humans reluctant to reproduce. As well, this was the century of the influenza pandemic that cut the population down to size. Unfortunately, the death rate is no match for the exponential growth of the world's population, but doomsday will soon be among us.The alien races are also competing with each other to pull earth away using their white magic technology. The more dominant of the races, we'd have to gargle with liquid nitrogen to pronounce their names, but for the sake of argument, we'll call them the Lunas, have exceptional technology and are pulling Earth with great force. The other race has lesser but still significant technology and must use the sun's gravity to assist them in taking Earth. We call them the Helios. Both have starships in a formation and are trying to pull Earth their way. So far, the struggle has been balanced, but the Earth still moves in the shape of their formation. This shape is the georev.Why can't this shape be a circle? Isn't the circle the most practical of all shapes? Isn't the triangle the strongest shape? What's so special about this strange georev shape? Firstly, a circular formation just doesn't work. For the ships to stay in formation, they must emit a magnetic wave to connect each ship. If their shape was to be a circle, the angle 3 adjacent ships would be at would be nearly 180 degrees, but not exactly. The magnetic fields would resist each other a small bit, and their goal is to use as little energy as possible. Angles with multiples of 30 degrees are necessary to use. So why not one of those 60-60-60 triangles? The aliens also don't want us to know that they're here, and a erratic season changes would probably set off suspicions. Thus, they need a shape with 4 sides, equilateral, and equiangular, the georev. This allows them to conserve energy, prevent suspicions from being roused from season change, but the problem is how to now stop Earth when it gets to a corner.If the Earth were to travel at its average speed and just stop and change its direction, all life on earth would die and the atmosphere would be flung off. This is undesirable, as the aliens want only to destroy all humans. speed bumps had to be placed to slow Earth's speed near a corner. These had bad consequences though. Usually, Earth hits a speed bump head on and slows down. This is like two pool balls hitting each other straight on. Occasionally, since not even aliens are perfect, Earth's path is misjudged and it makes an oblique collision. The slowing then does not occur at Earth's center, but instead in the mantle or crust. The aliens foresaw the consequences, but felt we would not noticed as the Earth already experiences earthquakes. However, since the 1900's, we have noticed slight increases in magnitude and frequency of the earthquakes.
A logical question to ask at this point would be how the speed bumps stop Earth or how the Earth reaccelerates. Now it is not quite known how this is done, but the speed bumps are constructed out of hypothetical particles (the same ones that cause Hawking radiation) and the aliens can control when they blink into existence. The blinking is timed so that it appears as close to Earth's core as possible. It adds mass to wherever it hits to slow Earth and then blinks out, Earth keeping the same speed. If it hits the mantle or crust, a small rotational force is created at that point, displacing Earth's axis and causing an earthquake.
The aliens also have the technology to fire Kirby beams. When the Kirby beams collide, they meet to form a super Kirby. The super Kirby has a half life of just over 6 Planck time units, before it collapses unto itself. In this time however, it is able to exert a great force upon Earth and accelerate it towards its next corner. This is how the aliens are able to keep Earth moving in their pattern, while making it stop and re-accelerate at corners, thus deceiving all of humanity.
The time to do something about this is now. The ancient Mayans had hypothesized that this would happen. They also predicted that the 2 alien races would give up on their battle for Earth and desert it. December 21 to be exact, a solstice. [12] Earth will be at a corner. When the battle ends and the aliens leave, there will be no more Kirby beams, meaning no more super Kirbys, so Earth is unable to re-accelerate. When this happens, the sun's gravity will be the only force acting on it, causing the great blue planet to hurdle towards the sun, spelling complete doom for everything on Earth.
----
Five extra points to anyone who finds whats special about 3.7485828585590952383606834812...
It was not random.
Sections I-V are here: http://www.chess.com/groups/forumview/brains-broccoli-and-catfood
Section VI was skipped as it may offend some Darwinists here. PM me if you want to read it. It involves evolution and unicellular cucumbers.