You can call me an Alternate Science Society Hole for posting this, but after reading todays xkcd, I worked up the courage to post it, so here goes:
Section I -- Friction
From the earliest age of humanity, to the exhilarating study of Magnetic Physics, we have
always wondered at the theory of friction. Guillaume Amontons is commonly credited for declaring the laws of friction. We have been taught that friction originates between two masses when rough microscopic surfaces bump against each other and slow each other down. This is correct as far as we can tell, as we can easily gaze upon any surface and with a powerful enough scope, roughness will become visible. However, based on evidence that has recently been found, this theory has been refuted and replaced.
Faustus, an esteemed scientist has found evidence of small demons, not to be confused with devils, which push against any objects that move in their presence. For a long time, Faustus has studied these demons under the guise of a Tau particle. "The demons are invisible to us humans, but when in the form of a Tau particle, the demons are visibly having a fuss. As I like to call it, a Tau Fuss."
Known by few, Leonardo DaVinci was the first to propose the laws of friction. For the observant, his name is an anagram of O' Draconian Devil. Devils are usually confused with demons, and share many qualities. Perhaps DaVinci thought these microscopic entities were evil in some ways, but the truth remains that something was there.
Amontons had observed this anagram and suspected the existence of demons to relate to the theory of friction. Devising his own microscope comparable, exceeding the power of electron microscopes of the modern day by 5-fold, Amontons attempted to confirm his beliefs of demon existence. He focused his scope very carefully, but to his dismay, no demons were visible. Preparing to dismiss the theory of demons, he then noticed faint movements that displaced portions of the rough surface viewed under the microscope. Further investigation showed that by placing two transparent slips atop each other, one would stay a fair distance from the other instead of making contact. This led him to believe something (or some force) existed on the surface of the slips. Amontons carefully applied various dyes; one of them produced shocking results. Demons, winged beasts capable of immense power under proper conditions became visible everywhere. However, after explaining his theory to his fellow colleagues, they rejected and shunned him and thus the demon theory became lost in time. Furthermore, they overran and burned his lab in detest destroying the advanced technology contained within as well as the scientific notes. Later, on fearing the demons would be discovered, they would repay Amontons for the damages and in return, he would erase all evidence of the demons' existence and publish papers explaining that friction was caused by rough surfaces bumping against each other.
Although today's technology is nowhere near as high as that of Amontons' time, Faustus secretly managed to morph into a Tau particle and witness in awe the vast number of demons in existence. However, as the transformation could only occur once, he found himself with inadequate proof concerning the existence of demons. By methods only privy to close friends, Faustus was able to reconstruct the notes of Amontons and thus he was able to confirm the scene he had witnessed while in the form of a Tau. The truth slowly leaked out, and other scientists feared that Faustus would rise to a level of fame far beyond themselves. Forming a temporary coalition, they spread propaganda to suppress Faustus's theory and again, the public rejected the demons.
Recently, in 2008, a magnet student by the pseudonym of Garner Ebb Rend who was looking up random scientific documents, came across Faustus's theories. Slowly, he wrote a paper describing the history of demons which is shown above. Now finished, the true origin of friction is ready to be made known to the world.
Section II -- Gravity
Gravity is known to us as the force that pushes us down, or to those of higher intelligence, the force acting upon two objects that pulls them towards each other. One theory of how gravity came to be is that matter, also known as rotational energy, pulls in linear motion energy, also known as dark energy similar to how low pressure air in the center of a hurricane pulls in high pressure air from the outside. As this dark energy flows towards the mass, as do other masses existing in the vicinity of this object.
Another theory is that small subatomic particles are moving in every direction. When a body of mass is present, the ones coming in from the left get stuck as they go through the mass. Fewer emerge to the right side than the number that come in directly from the right. The unbalance of moving particles creates a force towards the body of mass. The more mass it has, the more particles get stuck and the greater the gravitational field.
These two theories are very similar in that they both involve moving particles or energy waves that make other objects move as well. However, there is one major fault. The origins of these wandering particles is unknown. By the conservation of matter, they cannot simply "appear out of nowhere". There must be a limited number of them, which will eventually go on to the outer limits of the universe. This will cause gravity to cease after a certain amount of time. This, as everyone knows, is an outrageous fact, and therefore can not be true. If this counter-evidence is not plausible enough, note that if there exists a hypothetical object with infinite mass, for there to be infinite gravity, an infinite amount of dark energy or gravitons must exist, which too is impossible. Furthermore, suppose there is a thin film of mass. Gravitons travelling perpendicular to it will be less likely to be halted. Those moving parallel to it will be stopped, creating a stronger gravitational force along the edges, which we know it not true. Thus, there must be a different cause for the existance of gravity.
This is the introduction of the boomerang theory of gravity, proposed by none other than the aforementioned magnet student going by Garner Ebb Rend. Similar to how boomerangs work, particles are emitted by objects of mass and after some time, slow down and return. When one object is isolated from all else, this means nothing. However, when two objects are near each other and they both emit "boomerang particles", on the return trip, a portion of these particles belonging to either object collides with the other, pulling both objects towards each other.
The boomerang theory remains constant with every observation of gravity. It does not assume creation of matter. The closer two objects are of each other, the more particles hit each other on return trips, and acceleration towards each other is increased. Heavier objects resist particle bombardment, as well as emit more particles.
Section II.V -- Anatomy of a Boomerang Particle
As we know, a boomerang particle travels in a reverse parabolic motion, leaving the planet and returning. Collisions of boomerangs with other objects causes them to move towards each other, making gravity. However, there are a few important questions concerning these particles. For instance, what causes them to suddenly jump off bodies of mass, and what causes them to return to the exact same mass they left from?
Boomerang particles are hypothesized to have a massive amount of spin. This spinning is fast enough to drag the spacetime around it, similar to a black hole. The spacetime that is a fair distance resists movement. This causes the particle to curve in the direction of spin, and create the reverse parabolic path. However, this does not explain why they return to their original masses even after the mass moved out of its way. To explain this, we must delve deep into the origins of a force that attracts opposite particles with an unimaginable force.
This force is known as true magnetism, and this is also the force that produces surface magnetism. The workings of magnetism will be discussed in a later section.
This magnetism pulls two boomerang particles together. All particles have an exactly similar counterpart, which it is attracted to by a force called hidden magnetism. This magnetic force is very powerful, but it is minuscule when compared to the force generated by two boomerangs spinning in the same direction and very near each other. The fast spinning creates a force that explodes outwards and propels the two particles at lightning velocities and in opposite directions. Thus, one is thrown into space, while the other is shot into the body of mass. The spacial particle will spin back, and even if the mass moves out of the initial parabolic path, the hidden magnetism will attract it back towards the mass where the other particle lies. The boomerang particle returns, and is again propelled into space where it will create gravity again.
Section III -- Magnetism
Magnetism is a very important force. It plays a substantial role in gravity, and it regulates electron flow, as well as make north attract to south. The supposed reason for this is that electrons somehow attract to protons because they have opposite charges. A proton is made up of quarks each having charges, but what gives electrons the -1 charges, and why do quarks have charges? These different charges are due to an unnamed particle that possesses no mass and is the most basic subatomic particle. For simplicity, it will be called the charge particle. Each charge particle has a very faint charge. Notably, these can take up complex charges, which may be separated into real and imaginary. The real portion of it is the superficial charge which is attractable and repel-able by other particles with real charge such as electrons ad protons. It is the imaginary or hidden charge that is most important here. Whenever a charge particle of certain hidden magnetism exists, there will exist a different charge particle with the exact negative hidden value. The familiar law opposites attract makes these two "alter-egos" attract each other. A vital key to this is that if two particles have two different hidden charges, one positive, one negative, they will have no effect upon each other no matter how close each is to the other.But what gives these particles their charges? An investigation led by Minus Plus, showed that small pixies enchants these particles and the fairy magic has two classifications. One is known to most as blue magic. This is the same magic used by dragons and people holding staves atop mountains in the rain and yelling at the top of their lungs. It creates a force known as electricity, caused by electrons racing, as seen in movies, which as we all know, are the best source of factual information. This blue magic can be harnessed easily, even by the inexperienced. All one must do, is examine a wall for a cat-face-like opening. Then, proceed by finding a metallic utensil, usually a fork. Then, wash the fork, but don't dry it. Place it in the cat-face opening and hold for 10 seconds*. If this encounter with the element of blue magic is survived, one will be able to craft a staff out of holy wood and this will discharge blue magic at will. Blue magic is commonly called magnetism or electricity.The less commonly known magic is white magic. This is used by experienced mages and allows magic bolts to hone in on their target. (this monitor has been sabotaged) <--- The author will take 5 minutes to terminate the monitor saboteur using blue magic. Please hold.
Thank you. Unlike blue magic, which relies on superficial magnetism, this white magic takes advantage of infusing particles with temporary imaginary charges that guide nearby objects towards the target. Upon impact, the temporary charges fade. Few have mastered the white magic, and their names are not well known. It is a proven fact though, that Merlin had mastered both types of magics. By channeling ones chi into a staff, the holy wood conducts it and emits particles of imaginary charge. The more control one has over their chi, the better they can control the imaginary charges allotted to the particles. This is why those who meditate often are able to jump 10 feet into the air, shake the ground, and behead people with scarves. White magic has a few nicknames, such as "The Force" and "Telekinesis".* The author is not held responsible for any deaths ensuing in the quest to harness the blue magic.
Section IV -- Ghosts
Occasionally a lucky person with a keen eyesight may spot what appears to be a transparent entity. This is usually complementary with a tingling sensation and spine chills. Immediately, this person will scream for help and beg mercy and/or direct a light towards it. Then this "ghost" will disappear. But upon reporting this encounter to another sane person, they will without doubt, recommend a psychiatrist. Later, this event will be treated as if it never occurred.
However, this ghost appearance is not fiction. Ghosts do exist and there is reason for their behaviors. Each aspect will be examined individually, starting with the properties of ghosts.
Ghosts are known to make people feel insecure or anxious. Scientists have determined that this is due to subconsciously hearing sounds of 17Hz or lower. When humans are exposed to sound frequencies of lower than 20Hz, they receive feelings of fear. This is also why animals are able to sense tsunamis and other natural disasters before they hit; because they emit low frequency sound which makes animals feel uneasy. This scientific evidence has caused people to lose belief in ghosts, but in actuality it supports the existence of them. These sounds are not naturally caused, with the exception of natural disasters. Thus, something must be creating these sounds. How the ghosts are able to create these sounds will be explained later.
They are known to very translucent. This implies they have a low density. This is supported by the fact that ghosts are able to move through solid obstructions. They usually take up the same volume as a human being, 0.08 cubic meters. To pass through walls, their molecules must be with a neutral charge to pass through without being pushed back due to electromagnetic forces. Thus, they must be composed of solely neutrons. When a human, or for that matter, an animal, dies, it loses its conscience. Its "soul" exits the body and drifts mindlessly, similar to how one acts before born. It loses all protons and electrons, so it becomes nearly hollow, due to neutrons no longer held together by the strong force. The neutrons still hold the humanoid shape due to gravity and the white magic. Thus, they appear to be a human under a white veil.No ghosts have been captured, so their weight is not directly known. However, they do have very little mass. This is shown easily as a result of their interactions with a light source. Ghosts, when hit by an excess of photons, will be flung at high velocities, away from the light due to transfer of momentum. Unlike normal objects, ghosts are composed of only neutrons, having no electrons. Therefore, they reflect no light and absorb it all entirely when photons are pulled into the neutrons by gravity. However, the neutrons gravitational force is not strong enough to detain the photons for eternity. When a photon breaks away, it will slowly propel the ghost in one direction and emit light. This is why ghosts are able to slowly drift and why they are phosphorescent.In addition, while a photon is held within a ghost, it will quickly revolve about it. This revolution speed is very high, about 3 Gigahertz. When the photons collide with molecules of air, it transfers its momentum. This gives the air around it a speed of 30Hz to 5Hz. Note that vibrating air is known as sound. Humans can hear as low as 20Hz, so at the highest pitch, a ghost will produce a very low sound. At lower than 20Hz, the sound is still detected by humans, but with different results. It invokes fear and anxiousness, which is why many people fear ghosts.
So, yeah. That's it. Well, it's still in progress, but if you have any comments, or you just want to kill me for posting such nonsense, shoot away. :)