RAR match! Versus Samuel Deng

RAR match! Versus Samuel Deng

NM Joseph_Truelson

Photo credit of some person who made "RAR". Not sure who-editor

In light of the famous Doknjas vs. He match that thousands tuned into, I have decided to attract millions with a much more important match, a RAR match between Me and Samuel Deng (RookSacrifice) These are similar to death matches, except that instead of the loser dying, the loser gets RARed. However, the loser might very well find that dying might be a better idea. Although one of our contestants doesn't know how to RAR, he will have to learn anyways, and if he doesn't accept the terms of the match. (I have a 832 page document listing all of the side effects and what could go wrong with it, and Samuel Deng will sign it) The match will be held at an unknown time at an unknown hour, when neither of us expect it, and all are saying that it will not be now, and that everyone is safe, but that is the element of surprise.
But I'm trusting all of you who are reading this to be using chess.com 24/7 for the next few weeks. And also donate to us! We are in need of a sponsor, as the initial offer of $500,000 by Coca-cola to sponsor the match is not enough (we need at least a million to start). This is more important than the world championship, so we need more money. The world championships only get somewhere around a million, so we should have 2 million! The best chess writer in the whole world should deserve millions! Negotiations between me and RookSacrifice will hopefully end soon, as he doesn't want a match longer than an hour, while I believe the match must be at least 2 hours! In order to get rid of skill I am hoping to eliminate increment. After all, it's a RAR match, and RAR is luck, so let's get rid of the skill. Besides, I'm a better bullet player! I remember the time that I went to a gun range, and after that my bullet skills were always so much better. I'll shoot him down! However, if an increment is established, I will have to unhappily accept it, and instead of winning on time I will win by cheating. That's what a true CM does!
I'd like to continue and tell you more information, but due to my low attention span, I must get going with the details before I forget who I'm playing.
So first, let's introduce the contestants:

Mr. Samuel "Sammy" Deng
Nick name: None, because Nick is not his name
Chess.com username: RookSacrifice
Chess.com blitz: 1764
Chess.com bullet: 1752
USCF rating: 1789
FIDE rating: It's too good to mention
Betting odds: 1:100
Actual chances: -1:100
Biggest chess accomplishment: Drawing Joseph Truelson at the Emerald City Open 2015
Aspirations for the future: To become a GM (Garbage Master) and draw Joseph Truelson one more time
Hobbies: Programming Programs, solving math, playing blitz with Joseph Truelson on chess.com (or in person!), gaining rating, anything to do with Joseph Truelson

Joseph "Pure RAR" Truelson
Nickname: Pic-nick, because I love eating!
Chess.com Username: Joseph_Truelson
Chess.com blitz: 2040
Chess.com bullet: 2121
USCF rating: 1885
FIDE rating: Its too bad to mention
Betting odds: 99:100
Actual chances: 101:100

Record in Chess.com against each other: 142 Wins for me, 71 losses, and 13 draws
Biggest chess accomplishments: Creating the famous RAR attack, which led to me Beating a 2100, reaching 1885 USCF, and beating various Garbage Masters, Imposter Masters, Fake Masters, Cheating Masters, and Not Masters on chess.com. Also was the Minnesota State Elementary Chess Champion.
Aspirations for the future: To regain the CM (Cheating Master) title after having lost it due to not cheating enough, and to use the RAR attack to break 2000 and beat masters.
Hobbies: Cheating on everything (chess, tests, exams, life, death, taxes, etc.), sandbagging, RAR attacking, sleeping, being awake, living, and making really bad Joeks that everyone laughs at.
And that tells you everything about the contestants! Thank you for reading the introduction for the RAR match for Me against Samuel Deng. But don't worry, this isn't anywhere close to finishing! In fact, we've got many more reports to come out before the actual match! There will be no less than 5 before the match, and many to follow the match!
Exculsive Interivew with RookSacrifice Part 1 

Exclusive Interivew with RookSacrifice Part 2 

Exclusive Interview with Joseph_Truelson (cancelled)
"Unbiased" statistics to see who has the better chances
Exclusive Interview with Joseph Truelson
Exclusive Interview with Samuel Deng
Final look, with interviews and various other fun things that everyone will be interested in, along with the times of the actual event
After the match:
Part 1: Joseph strikes off to an early lead
Part 2: Joseph increases his lead
Part 3: Joseph wins by a margin of 24- -4
Part 4: How Joseph won, and why he is now a CM again
Once again, thanks for reading and keep tuned for this most interesting chess match in the history of chess! Two of the best average tournament players play each other, and will present to all of you many jokes, instructive chess games, and even philosophy.